


All The Possibility and Promise

by galacticsugar



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Online Relationship, Swearing, a very small amount of side lashton, muke meet online and then in person and then things get weird, niall is luke's roommate and harry is michael's wacky online bff, shading hallmark christmas movies, somehow harry styles and niall horan are in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28270941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galacticsugar/pseuds/galacticsugar
Summary: “You weren’t what I expected.”It’s been years since he’s talked to Michael, but he thinks maybe Michael broke his heart irreparably. Luke didn’t realize that’s what was happening at the time. He knew he was hurt and upset, but he didn’t know how much Michael’s words would haunt him. The worst part is, Luke can’t even hate him for it. He still thinks of Michael fondly, even misses him in a weird way. It’s not Michael’s fault Luke is unlovable.---Luke and Michael meet online and have a strong connection. But after they meet in person, everything goes wrong.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35





	1. Keep Me Guessing, Please

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what this is or if I like it, but I spent a ton of time on it, so here we are. I don't normally do angst so this was definitely out of my comfort zone. After this we will return to our regularly scheduled fluff.
> 
> Also, there's a lot of online conversation in this one and I wasn't sure the best way to format it for readability so please leave a note if you have any comments/suggestions on formatting that would help with accessibility or your reading experience in general!

**December 2020**

“You weren’t what I expected.”

Luke’s lounging on his couch, legs crossed under him, with Petunia curled up tight against his thigh. What started as a casual browse through his dating app has turned into Luke getting lost in thought about Michael, which happens all too often. Every time Luke thinks about accepting an invite for a date from someone he’s been chatting with, Michael’s words flash in front of his eyes, stark and blunt. 

It’s been years since he’s talked to Michael, but he thinks maybe Michael broke his heart irreparably. Luke didn’t realize that’s what was happening at the time. He knew he was hurt and upset, but he didn’t know how much Michael’s words would haunt him. The worst part is, Luke can’t even hate him for it. He still thinks of Michael fondly, even _misses_ him in a weird way. It’s not Michael’s fault Luke is unlovable.

\---

**January 2016**

The robotic tones of _Blue_ by Eiffel 65 drift down the hallway as Luke unlocks his dorm room door and slides in, dumping his heavy backpack on the floor by the futon with a grunt and slamming the door behind him. Jon down the hall has been playing _Blue_ on repeat for the last three days. It was funny for the first hour or so. Now it’s just slowly driving Luke to insanity.

Luke doesn’t have any classes on Tuesdays, so he spent the morning at the bookstore inside the student union buying textbooks for his spring semester courses. Now he’s pissed about spending so much money and hungry to the point of irritation. He heats up some bagel bites in the microwave, shoves in his earbuds and settles down at his desk to scroll through Tumblr while he eats. Luke has a natural gift for school and relatively easy classes for his freshman year, so he has plenty of free time to waste away online. He regularly posts mundane little life updates to his Tumblr just for something to do.

**Lukerzade:**

**No classes today! Just got back from buying my books for the semester. It’s fucking criminal how much textbooks cost. On the bright side, I saw a squirrel eating a full slice of pizza on my way back to my dorm. Well, off to murder the guy down the hall. (Yes, he’s still listening to _Blue_.)**

He publishes the post and scrolls through his dash, tapping his toe along with his music and pausing every so often to blow on a bagel bite so he can eat it whole without burning the roof of his mouth. Exactly two Taking Back Sunday songs later, he gets a notification that he’s received an ask. 

**Mikerowave said:**

**i think i saw the same squirrel today - the one eating the slice of pizza? it was by the main entrance of the union when i was on my way to rhetoric. it’s cool to see someone else talking about the same stuff i see every day. love the drive thru shirt you were wearing in that selfie you posted yesterday btw.**

Luke’s eyes nearly bug out of his head. He immediately clicks over to Mikerowave’s blog and is greeted with a photo that piques his interest considerably. It’s a boy with a mess of dyed black hair, arranged into an emo-ish cut that Luke hasn’t seen on anyone in quite some time. The contrast on the photo is cranked up, highlighting the boy’s pale complexion and bright green eyes. The angle and shading of the photo make it difficult to make out the specifics of the boy’s face, but Luke is immediately enamored with the parts he _can_ see. He tears his eyes away from the photo to check out the bio section - _Michael, he/him, bi, on the Dark Side_. Damn. From the looks of things, Michael is just his type.

Luke only gets more excited as he starts reading through Michael’s posts. He can tell this guy is smart, and he has a sharp but still silly sense of humor that has Luke giggling to himself to the point of snorting Diet Coke all over his rug. Michael posts about bands, TV shows, and movies that Luke loves, and for the first time in a long time Luke feels _seen_. 

Since coming to school, Luke hasn’t really met anyone he’s felt a strong connection to. His roommate, Niall, is friendly and funny and Luke enjoys his company, but he doesn’t really have a lot in common with Niall. Their perspectives on life are just _different_ , and it means there’s always just a little bit of distance between them. Scrolling through Michael’s blog, Luke feels a spark of hope. Has he found a kindred spirit? Someone who might finally understand him...and maybe even love him?

Ugh, he needs to get a grip. He does this way too often - with the friendly cashier at the dining hall, with the curly-haired kid that sits next to him in his World War II lecture - he sees one little thing about a stranger that makes him think they might be Luke’s sort of person. Maybe it’s a band shirt they’re wearing, or the way they laugh at one of his particularly dry jokes. That’s all it takes for Luke to start daydreaming about some kind of great romance with some guy whose name he doesn’t even know. Just because this Michael guy seems to be Luke’s type and happens to go to the same school doesn’t mean they’re destined for each other. 

But...there’s always a chance. And he doesn’t want to miss the opportunity. He taps out a reply, agonizing over every word. Usually he doesn’t think too hard about what he posts, but he wants to sound cool and funny and keep the conversation with Michael going as much as possible without it seeming like he’s trying too hard. None of these are areas where Luke typically excels, but he takes a stab at it anyway.

**Lukerzade:**

**What kind of pizza was the squirrel you saw eating? Need this important intel to be able to confirm if it was the same one.**

**And thanks. I didn’t think there was anyone else on campus who’d even heard of Drive Thru Records. Favorite Drive Thru band?**

Luke fidgets anxiously after posting, continuing to scroll through his dash. After an agonizing six-minute wait, another message comes through.

**Mikerowave:**

**i think it was pepperoni. the implications for the food chain are staggering if you think about it.**

**hard to choose a favorite drive thru band. senses fail, maybe. you? and yeah, i guess none of our peers have the same (correct) amount of appreciation for early 2000s emo. we’re obviously the coolest people on campus.**

Luke grins as he reads. Michael’s quick response, his question back to Luke, and his use of “we” are all encouraging. It seems like he likes talking to Luke and wants to keep doing it. Luke PMs him a response.

**Lukerzade:**

**Definitely the same squirrel.**

**One time I went to a hot dog place that had a mural of happy cartoon pigs eating hot dogs all over the wall. It’s the next logical step after squirrels eating pepperoni and it’s terrifying. I don’t think I want to live in a world where cannibal pigs are a real possibility.**

**The Early November for me, no question. But Senses Fail is good too. Definitely top 5.**

**Do you dye your own hair? It looks nice. I’ve been thinking about dying mine dark but I’m scared I’ll screw it up.**

He doesn’t even try to distract himself while he waits to see if Michael responds. He just stares at his screen, body buzzing. He sits on his hands to stop himself from fidgeting, fingers rubbing uncomfortably against the hard wood corners of his chair. Fortunately, it only takes a couple minutes for Michael to respond.

**Mikerowave:**

**cannibal pigs are a really interesting marketing choice. did seeing them make you hungry for hot dogs?**

**makes sense that you’re into early november. you’re good with words like they are.**

**i do dye my own hair, and it’s pretty easy. (but personally i don’t think you should dye yours. it’s perfect the way it is.)**

**have you been murdering the “blue” guy while we chat? let me know if you need anyone to help you clean up the mess. i’m good at keeping secrets.**

Luke’s eyes skim back and forth over the message repeatedly, rereading his favorite bits. _You’re good with words. It’s perfect the way it is._ Eventually it all blurs together. _You’re...perfect._

\----

“Michael told me I’d like _Sherlock_ but I don’t know if that’s your kind of thing.” Luke’s in the dining hall with Niall, taking a leisurely lunch to fill the two-hour gap between his classes. They’re trying to decide what show to binge next after finishing _Friends_ , and Luke can’t seem to stop Michael’s name from tumbling out of his mouth every few sentences.

“You keep mentioning Michael. How do you know him again? From a class?” Niall scoops ketchup off his plate with a fry and squints at Luke skeptically.

Luke twirls his straw in his drink, averting his eyes away from Niall to watch the ice cubes swirling. “Tumblr.”

“Oh, right. Tumblr guy. But he goes to school here?”

“Yeah.”

“But...you haven’t actually met him in person?”

“Not yet.” Luke shrugs. “We just talk online.”

Niall shakes his head. “I don’t get it.” He digs through his pile of fries, searching for one that isn’t burnt. The dining hall staff is mostly comprised of student workers who clearly do not take much pride in their work, so it is a difficult task.

“We’ll meet sometime. Eventually.” Luke bites his lip thoughtfully. “I’ve only actually known him three days anyway.”

Niall’s head snaps up. “Shit, really? You talk about him so much I assumed you’d known him a while.”

Luke blushes. It’s true that he’s been name-dropping Michael consistently in the few short days since they first exchanged messages. It’s hard for him not to, though, since Michael quickly became the person he talks to the most on a daily basis. 

Sure, it’s just words on a screen, but Luke has spent _hours_ over the past three days chatting with Michael. Last night he stayed up until 3am talking to him, even though he has an 8am class on Fridays (extremely poor planning on Luke’s part). He was having so much fun talking to Michael, he couldn’t bring himself to say goodnight. Niall came home from his late-night shift working the front desk at the dorm and almost punched Luke straight in the face, thinking he must be an intruder since Luke was never awake when Niall’s shift ended.

“We have a lot in common,” Luke says carefully. “I feel like I can talk to him about things that everyone else I know finds boring.”

Niall pushes his lips into a dramatic pout and uses his finger to mimic a tear falling down his cheek.

Luke laughs good-naturedly. “No offense. You can’t help it that you hate my music.” Niall is constantly complaining about Luke’s “whiney, depressing” music and trying to get him to listen to classic rock and whatever suggestive rap song is popular at the campus bars on a given week.

“Michael likes that stuff?” Niall questions, giving up on his French fry search and reaching for his chocolate chip cookie instead.

“Yeah. We like a lot of the same bands.”  
  
“Are you one of those people who thinks liking the same music as someone else means you’re meant to be?” Niall takes a bite from his cookie and manages to make it look judgmental.

“No!” Luke protests. “It’s nice that we like the same music but it’s not the only reason I like talking to him. We barely even talk about music really.”

“What do you talk about then?” 

“I don’t know. Nothing, really.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“I know.” 

And that’s the problem, Luke thinks. No one gets it, except maybe - hopefully - Michael.

\---

Later that night, Luke settles into a pile of pillows and blankets on his bed and opens his laptop, eager for another evening of chatting with Michael. Niall is out at some house party, his usual Friday night ritual. Sometimes Luke tags along but he always feels a little out of place. Hanging out with drunk strangers isn’t really his idea of a good time. He knows Michael feels the same way - he’s repeatedly complained about his roommate coming home drunk and loud in the wee hours of the morning, and often references his hermit-ish tendency to spend all his spare time in his dorm room. Luke grabs a handful of gummy bears from the bag on his bedside table and kills some time clicking through YouTube, waiting for Michael to come online. 

**Mikerowave:** luke.

Luke startles when the message pops up on his screen. He quickly pauses the video he’s watching and focuses his full attention on the chat window with Michael.

 **Lukerzade:** Michael.

 **Mikerowave:** joey ate the planet

 **Lukerzade:** ah.

 **Lukerzade:** a band name.

 **Mikerowave:** was just thinking that.

 **Mikerowave:** what’s the last thing you ate?

 **Lukerzade:** Gummy bears. They’re my favorite.

 **Mikerowave:** better than worms?

 **Lukerzade:** Yeah. The ratios are better. Plus I don’t like how the worms are ribbed for her pleasure.

 **Mikerowave:** you like a smooth mouth feel, i get that.

 **Mikerowave:** speaking of which...

 **Mikerowave:** i have bad news for you, luke. jake gyllenhaal says he’s not going to show his dick. but there is a shirtless pic of him in the article about it.

 **Mikerowave:** http://www.mostbeautifulman.com/gossip/gyllenhaalnude.html

 **Lukerzade:** Please explain what you were doing at mostbeautifulmen.com

 **Mikerowave:** was just absent-mindedly browsing. :P

 **Lukerzade:** That was disappointing. I already have those pictures saved on my computer.

 **Mikerowave:** i apologize for not having the most risque naked jake pictures you've ever seen.

 **Mikerowave:** PUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIES

Michael has a habit of typing whatever happens to pop up in his brain in a given moment - often it’s song lyrics or declarations of love for various videogames. Luke’s used to these sudden subject changes now, and he rolls with it easily.

 **Lukerzade:** I was just talking to Cal about puppies being the cutest thing in the world behind smiley faces.

 **Mikerowave:** PUPPIES ARE NOT BEHIND SMILEYS

 **Lukerzade:** I meant the other way around. Smileys cutest thing behind puppies.

 **Mikerowave:** oh, okay. _phew._ don’t scare me like that.

Luke giggles, hiding his face in the arm of his sweatshirt even though there’s no one around to see him. This is how it usually goes. They talk about nothing for hours, Michael makes him smiley and dopey, and Luke goes to bed lovesick.

\---

Night after night, Luke logs in to chat with Michael. They goof around and rack up a massive pile of inside jokes, but they also occasionally talk about things that are a little more personal. Michael tells Luke about how his parents hassle him about not trying hard enough in school, how much he hates his roommate who teases him for being bi, and how he doesn’t really have any friends on campus. Luke tells Michael about his insecurities and his family’s financial struggle to keep him and his brothers all in college. 

They’re careful to keep it pretty light, but it’s still more than Luke would share with Niall or even Calum, who is theoretically his best friend. Something about being behind a screen - or maybe something about Michael - makes Luke feel comfortable sharing things he wouldn’t otherwise.

 **Mikerowave:** high school was stupid.

 **Lukerzade:** Yeah. But. At least in high school I did things.

 **Mikerowave:** you did? how _was_ that anyway?

 **Lukerzade:** Yeah. Social gatherings. Now I only have like 2 people I want to spend time with, so I don’t do anything.

 **Mikerowave:** aw. neither do i! 

**Mikerowave:** you said you have 2 people though. were your social gatherings in high school larger?

 **Lukerzade:** Um. 10-12 people?

 **Mikerowave:** you had so many friends.

 **Mikerowave:** i did that ONCE i think.

 **Lukerzade:** Was it enjoyable?

 **Mikerowave:** it was nothing spectacular.

 **Lukerzade:** Socializing usually isn’t.

 **Mikerowave:** but you just said…

 **Lukerzade:** I know. But. 

**Lukerzade:** I think in the past year I’ve become a lot more antisocial than i was in high school. So I might not enjoy it so much now.

 **Mikerowave:** ironic.

 **Lukerzade:** Isn’t it?

 **Mikerowave:** i’m not going to explain it. you know.

 **Lukerzade:** I do know.

 **Mikerowave:** because you’re smart.

 **Lukerzade:** Because of the coolness as well.

 **Mikerowave:** they are correlated.

 **Lukerzade:** I agree. That’s the problem.

 **Mikerowave:** what’s that?

 **Lukerzade:** There are very few smart, cool people on campus. As a result the only people I know are people I knew before. 

**Lukerzade:** I don’t know what I’m talking about.

 **Mikerowave:** you do. i know. because i am the same way.

 **Mikerowave:** besides my roommate i only talk to people i knew before i came here.

 **Mikerowave:** and i only know one person here from my high school.

 **Lukerzade:** So you also only talk to 2 people?

 **Mikerowave:** yes. hence the internet.

 **Lukerzade:** Niall says he doesn’t get why we talk to each other on the internet.

 **Mikerowave:** i think niall is just jealous of our compatibility.

 **Lukerzade:** You know, you might be right. I used to spend a lot more time with him before you started monopolizing my nights.

 **Mikerowave:** get over it, niall!

 **Mikerowave:** ok, i’m going to make hot dogs now.

\---

Monday morning Luke meets Calum outside the Java House before their psychology lecture. A cold front swept through over the weekend and Luke is heavily bundled in a hoodie and jacket, grey beanie pulled over his curls to protect his ears from the chilly breeze.

“What the fuck is this weather?” Calum asks as Luke approaches.

“It’s winter,” Luke shrugs. Privately, he agrees with Calum, but this is how their relationship works, and how it always has worked. They antagonize each other, but they also love each other.

Calum sticks out his tongue, and Luke is about to call him a baby when he spots a familiar head of dyed black hair coming towards him. Luke can’t be sure - the guy is moving fast, and Luke only gets a good look at him for a second or two before he passes by - but he’s almost sure he just saw Michael. He feels it in his bones, and it leaves him frozen in place. 

“Earth to Luke,” Calum says, waving a hand in front of Luke’s face. Once he has Luke’s attention he grabs a hold of Luke’s jacket and pulls him inside the coffee shop.

“What was that all about?” Calum asks, blowing on his hands in an attempt to warm them. 

“I thought I saw Michael.” Luke has mentioned Michael to Calum - of _course_ he has, it’s pretty much the only thing he wants to talk about these days. Luke has had more than one conversation with Calum about how badly he wants to meet Michael in person.

Calum smirks, eyebrows raising. “The infamous Michael? Why didn’t you say hello?”

“I’m not totally sure it was him,” Luke says, gently pushing Calum forward to herd him into the ordering line. “Besides, it would be weird to meet for the first time that way.”  
  
“Yeah, it would be _so weird_ to say hello to your internet boyfriend when you pass him on the street,” Calum says, rolling his eyes fondly.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Luke says automatically. “And it _would_ be weird! What if he’s late for class or something? And our first conversation would be like, ‘Hey, are you Michael?’ and he’d be like ‘Yeah!’ and I’d be like ‘I’m Luke!’ and he’d be like ‘Cool! I’m late for bio though so I gotta go.’ That would be so awkward.” Luke cringes just thinking about it.

Calum laughs. “At least you’d have met him then, and you could stop agonizing about it!”

“Wouldn’t work.” Luke shakes his head. “That wouldn’t be a real meeting anyway, so I’d still be freaking out about it.”

“You’re impossible,” Calum says with a sigh. But later, as they cross the street from the coffee shop to their lecture hall, Calum surprises Luke with a pumpkin scone, so Luke forgives him immediately.

\---

Luke’s just getting back to his room after his psychology lecture when a message from Michael pops up.

 **Mikerowave:** did you know.

 **Mikerowave:** that throughout the course of one's lifetime.

 **Lukerzade:** Don't tell me

 **Lukerzade:** About the spiders

 **Mikerowave:** they digest, on average, 8 spiders in their sleep.

 **Mikerowave:** aw.

 **Lukerzade:** Ew ew ew

 **Mikerowave:** see.

 **Mikerowave:** i think.

 **Mikerowave:** we could just sit here. and think back and forth.

This has become a running joke between them. Michael has timestamps _to the second_ on his messages and often catches him and Luke saying essentially the same thing at the same time. Luke loves it when Michael sends him screenshots of the phenomenon and immediately saves them to his new Michael folder. God, he’s known him _less than a week_ and Luke already has a folder dedicated to Michael. This is not good. But Luke shrugs it off. Michael makes him happy; it doesn’t matter how long they’ve known each other.

Luke tugs off his denim jacket and hangs it across the back of his desk chair. He and Michael rarely chat during the day, with class schedules making it difficult for them to sync up. But when the timing works out, it’s Luke’s favorite thing. Their normal nighttime chats feel fuzzy and personal, like Luke might actually be dreaming them. The daytime chats make it feel real - make _Michael_ feel real. 

**Lukerzade:** We probably could, but it might look weird when Niall comes home and sees me sitting at my desk staring blankly into space.

 **Mikerowave:** you’re doing it wrong. when i telepathically communicate with you i stare at a picture of you. makes the connection stronger.

 **Lukerzade:** Does it matter which picture?

 **Mikerowave:** the one where you’re wrapped in the blue blanket. 

**Mikerowave:** you know that spot between your nose and your top lip?

 **Lukerzade:** Yeah. The little dent.

 **Mikerowave:** yeah, _that_. that’s my favorite spot.

 **Lukerzade:** I can’t decide if that’s a compliment or an insult.

 **Mikerowave:** i didn’t say i didn’t like the rest of your face as well. i do. i just especially like _that spot_.

Luke blushes. He loves and hates when Michael says things like this. He has no problem giving Michael compliments, but he’s never sure how to respond when the tables are turned. He usually defaults to deflection.

 **Lukerzade:** Speaking of faces, I think I might’ve seen yours on campus this morning. Attached to the rest of you, of course.

 **Mikerowave:** where?

 **Lukerzade:** Outside the Java House.

 **Mikerowave:** it’s possible. i walked by there today. i feel like i would have noticed you though.

\---

After two weeks of chatting nightly, Michael finally brings up the idea of meeting in person. They’d been discussing _Sherlock_ , and how Luke wanted to watch it after Michael had talked it up so much, but he couldn’t find it streaming anywhere.

 **Mikerowave:** fortunately, i have it on blu-ray

 **Lukerzade:** How does that help ME watch it?

 **Mikerowave:** ok what will happen:

 **Mikerowave:** at some point next weekend, you will come up to my dorm and watch sherlock. do not care if evil roommate is here. and to compensate in case he is, i will buy gummy bears in copious amounts and make sure evil roommate does not eat them, so they are saved for the time in which sherlock is viewed.

 **Mikerowave:** k?

They’ve danced around the idea of meeting up in person a few times before, but Luke is still not fully prepared for Michael’s pitch. He’s relieved that Michael was the first one to propose a meet-up. Despite their conversations taking some blatantly flirty turns, Luke still has worries that this is a one-sided infatuation. He doesn’t really doubt that Michael is interested in him in some way - he wouldn’t spend hours of his day chatting with Luke if he weren’t. But is Michael as invested as Luke is? Does Michael have a folder full of screenshots and saved snippets of their conversations? Does Michael talk to his friends about Luke? Does Michael think about Luke every night when he falls asleep?

Michael’s proposal to meet up makes Luke feel a little better about where Michael’s head is at, but the relief is short-lived, because a new, different weight drops down on him almost immediately. He is _terrified_ of meeting Michael in person. He really, really wants to, but he can’t stop thinking about how strange it will be. Michael will have expectations for what Luke will be like, and it takes a long time for Luke to warm up to people in person. What if Michael thinks he’s boring? Or what if, when he sees him in reality instead of a posed and filtered selfie, he doesn’t think Luke is attractive? 

Yes, Luke is terrified. But he’s not so terrified that he’s going to miss out on the opportunity to meet up with the first person he has _ever_ felt this kind of connection with.

 **Lukerzade:** I think this is a good plan. 

**Mikerowave:** YES!

 **Lukerzade:** But do you realize how extremely odd this situation might be

 **Mikerowave:** further my realization, because i totally do...i just want to hear what you think.

Luke pauses, hands frozen over his keyboard, trying to figure out the best way to communicate his concerns to Michael.

 **Lukerzade:** Well. I imagine extreme weirdness. But I think maybe if we get past the weirdness...or just ignore it...eventually the weirdness would no longer exist.

Well. That’s not the most eloquent thing he’s ever said.

 **Mikerowave:** oh you mean the weirdness of not being able to edit and maintain complete control over what you’re saying in textual format, and the generalized strangeness that comes from being around someone you have not known in person for the first time?

 **Lukerzade:** Exactly. Because it’s like

 **Lukerzade:** I’ve never met anyone I've already met before.

 **Mikerowave:** well see. i’ve thought about this situation a lot.

He has? Well, _of course_ he has. Given how much they have in common, it makes sense that Michael would have similar concerns about meeting up in person. Luke’s glad he’s not the only one who has been agonizing over it.

 **Mikerowave:** unfortunately, i haven’t really managed to come across a solution.

\---

Luke and Michael make plans to meet up that Saturday, when Michael’s evil roommate is supposed to be back home for the weekend. Michael even suggested they plan to watch the entire _Sherlock_ series in one sitting, and Luke can’t decide if this idea is incredibly stupid or incredibly sweet. It shows a certain confidence on Michael’s part that the two of them will enjoy each other’s company enough to want to spend 20 hours in a row together.

Saturday morning Luke is rifling through his closet, trying to figure out what to wear, while Niall sits on the futon highlighting a textbook and occasionally offering up an encouraging comment to Luke when he hears frustrated noises coming from inside the closet.

“It doesn’t matter what you wear, Luke.” His voice is accompanied by the sound of his highlighter scraping across the page of his book. 

“I know that.” Luke pokes his head out from the closet, curls messy from the amount of times he’s pulled on and then immediately discarded a shirt. “But I still want to look nice.”

“T-shirt, button-down, jacket,” Niall rattles off. “Simple, and the layers are practical since it’s still freezing outside but Michael’s dorm could be 80 degrees.”

Luke considers Niall’s suggestion, glancing at the clock on the wall. He needs to catch the campus bus over to Michael’s dorm and he’s going to miss it if he doesn’t hurry. He pulls on the outfit Niall recommended and does a quick strut in front of the futon. Niall gives him a once-over followed by a thumbs up. “Looks good.”

“Thanks for your help. I’ll text you when I get there so you know I didn’t get murdered.”

“Are you actually going to stay there for 20 hours?” Niall asks. “That’s a long window of opportunity for murder.”

“I have no idea. I’ll text you every couple of hours though, if it will make you feel better.”

Niall nods. “It will. Thanks. Now go have fun.” He goes back to his highlighting, and Luke slips out the door and speed-walks down the hall, matching his steps to the beat of _Blue_ when he passes Jon’s open door.

On the bus ride over to Michael’s dorm, Luke is shaking uncontrollably and he can’t tell whether it’s because the heater is busted on the bus or because of his excitement and nerves. He tries to distract himself with his phone, only to have Michael pop up with a message.

 **Mikerowave:** omg lu! evil roommate is gone and gummy bears are ready!

Luke grins, nerves slightly soothed by Michael’s enthusiasm. 

**Lukerzade:**!!!!!!!! I’m on my way!

\---

The bus stops right out front of Michael’s dorm, and Luke’s feet carry him in the direction of the elevator. He presses the button for the 12th floor, his mind weirdly blank. It was racing on the bus ride over so he probably wore it out. It’s for the best. The less he thinks about the situation he’s about to walk into the better. 

The elevator doors open and Luke steps out into an empty hallway. He’s never actually been in this particular hallway before, but it still feels familiar. The vibe of a dorm room hallway is somehow universal. He follows the numbers on the doors until he reaches Michael’s room, just three doors down from the elevator. There’s a whiteboard on the door covered in messages for someone named Jason, who Luke assumes is Evil Roommate. Luke pauses and takes a deep breath, straightening his shirt and fluffing his hair slightly. Then he knocks on the door, the echo-y metal sound taking up too much space in the otherwise quiet hallway.

The door cracks open, but before the person behind it is revealed, an arm pops out holding a bag of gummy bears. Luke starts to laugh, but his eyes are drawn to tattoos - thick black bands encircling the forearm attached to those gummy bears - and his breath hitches slightly. While Michael has seen a fair amount of pictures of Luke, Luke has still only seen the one high-contrast photo of Michael. He didn’t know tattoos were involved, and he’s not sure he’s prepared to deal with it. 

He reaches out for the bag of gummy bears, and once his hand makes contact, the door opens wider to reveal Michael, smiling nervously. “I figured if I offered the gummy bears right away you’d be less likely to leave if I’m a disappointment.” He releases the bag of gummy bears into Luke’s hand.

Luke tries to multitask and take in everything he can about Michael while his mouth is attempting to form a logical sentence. Michael’s face is familiar, bright eyes and full lips matching closely with his photo. But his hair isn’t just black anymore - it’s an elaborate collage of shades of purple and blue blending into the black base.

“You changed your hair,” Luke says, at the same time Michael says, “You’re taller than I expected.”

They both laugh a little awkwardly. “Do I talk like a short person?” Luke asks.

“Kind of,” Michael replies with a teasing grin. “You have pocket-sized energy.”

“Are you disappointed that I’m tall?”

Michael purses his lips and shakes his head. “No. Are you disappointed that I changed my hair?”

“God, no. This is so cool,” Luke replies, gesturing at Michael’s head. “Must’ve taken hours.”

“It did take forever, and I got dye all over the bathroom. But I think it turned out nicely.” 

A slight pink blush creeps onto Michael’s pale, pale cheeks. His paleness makes all the surrounding colors seem especially bright - the green of his eyes, the pink of his lips, the purple of his hair. Luke is fascinated by it. “It did.”

Talking to Michael is strange, but not _difficult_ , exactly. It’s the disconnect of having shared so many words already, before ever actually speaking to each other. He can’t talk to Michael like he’s a complete stranger, but he can’t quite talk to him like a friend either. He’s stuck in a gear somewhere in between - they’re still moving, but the ride is a little uncomfortable.

“Oh, um, you should come in,” Michael says, stepping back from the doorway.

Luke steps into Michael’s room and looks around, taking in the stark contrast between the left side of the room (band posters, black bedding, haphazard piles of video games and movies on the floor) and the right side of the room (bare walls with the exception of a poster of a half-naked woman, stark white bedding, clean floor). “Is Evil Roommate a pod person or something?” Luke asks, blushing a little at the accidental slip of one of their frequently-used online phrases. It feels strange to say it out loud, like he’s telling a secret. 

Michael grins. “Most definitely. There are at least three different guys in our hall with that same poster. It’s like they get some kind of human starter-pack. ‘You’re pretending to be a heterosexual frat bro? Here’s your naked lady poster, fantasy football team and Nike slides.’”

Luke breaks into a fit of laughter, and it’s too loud and too enthusiastic. All of his nervous energy is suddenly coming out in his laugh and he can’t stop it. Self-consciously, he covers his mouth and tries to stifle his giggles. But Michael just laughs along, eyes shifting back and forth between Luke’s face and the striped rug on the floor. 

“You don’t seem very worried about having a pod person for a roommate,” Luke says.

“I don’t think it’s contagious.”

“I hope not,” Luke replies. He likes Michael the way he is, and he hopes that maybe Michael will understand the real meaning behind his words.

Michael gestures at two blue beanbags situated next to each other on the floor. “Wanna sit? We should probably get started with the show if we’re going to get through it all.”

Luke carefully lowers himself onto one of the beanbags, trying to figure out how to situate his long legs comfortably. “Do you really think we’ll be able to do the whole thing?”

“Only one way to find out,” Michael shrugs. “Oh, almost forgot! Soda!” He turns abruptly and digs into a mini fridge next to the bed. He pulls out a bottle of Diet Coke and a bottle of Dr Pepper and holds out the Diet Coke to Luke.

It’s just a bottle of Diet Coke, but Luke is genuinely touched. Michael doesn’t drink Diet Coke, but he knows it’s Luke’s favorite thanks to their hours of caffeine-fueled conversation. That means Michael made a special trip to the vending machine just to get Luke a Diet Coke. Maybe his standards are low, but as far as Luke’s concerned it’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for him. He reaches happily for the bottle and hugs it to his chest contentedly. “Thank you! I definitely wouldn’t make it through the whole show without this.”

“There’s more where that came from,” Michael says, smiling cutely at Luke as he flips off the overhead light. “Just let me know when you need another hit.” He kicks at Luke’s foot with his own bare foot. “You can take your shoes off. Do you want a blanket or something?” 

Luke toes his sneakers off and places them out of the way, next to some DVDs under Michael’s bed. “I’m okay for now,” he says. “You’re a very doting host.” 

Michael grins, shuffling over to his PlayStation and fumbling to insert a disc. “Thanks. I don’t have company very often so I might be going a little overboard.”

“No, it’s nice,” Luke says with a chuckle. And it is. Michael has paid attention, and he’s anticipating Luke’s needs. It’s not just that it’s nice, it’s that it’s the exact sort of thing Luke would do if Michael had come to his dorm instead. He’d put in the effort for Michael, and it’s sweet that Michael is putting in the effort for him.

Michael settles into the beanbag next to Luke and pokes at a remote, trying to load up the first episode of the show. Luke watches him surreptitiously from the corner of his eye. He hasn’t had a chance to just _look_ at Michael since he got here, and Luke finds it oddly calming. It’s just so _normal_ , sitting here with Michael on a Saturday afternoon, watching television. It’s a scenario he’s played out in his head so many times, and now that he’s had a taste, he wants so badly to hold on to it.

They don’t talk a lot as the first few episodes of the show play, aside from an occasional comment attempting to guess a plot twist or a pause to look up an actor on IMDB. When it’s time to swap discs, they take a break to order a pizza for dinner. They make idle chitchat while they wait for the delivery.

“You said this is the first time you’ve met up in person with someone you met online?” Michael asks, glancing between Luke and his phone.

“Yeah. You?” Luke stretches his arms and legs out as far as they will go, muscles protesting from being folded into the beanbag for so long. 

“Yeah. I’ve told you about Harry, though, right?”

Luke nods. “You’ve mentioned him a couple of times.” Harry is an online friend of Michael’s from England who makes frequent appearances on Michael’s blog, but Luke doesn’t know much about him beyond that.

“Most people would probably consider him really weird, but I think it’s kind of cool how he just does his thing and doesn’t really worry about what other people think. Honestly, he’s probably my best friend, and I’ve never actually met him. That must sound strange.” 

“I don’t know,” Luke shrugs, “It makes sense to me that the people who you click with the most wouldn’t all be restricted to the surrounding geographic area.”

“That’s true.” Michael smiles at Luke. “How do you explain us, then?”

Luke feels an ache spreading in his chest hearing Michael say the word _us_ , but it’s not unpleasant. “Just lucked out, I guess.”

“I told Harry that you’re over and he’s jealous that we’re watching _Sherlock_ without him,” Michael says, tapping away at his phone.

“He should be.” Luke’s transfixed watching Michael as he types out a message to Harry, a mischievous little smile tugging at his lips and hair dipping into his eyes as he bends his head over his phone. 

“Don’t be surprised if he starts talking to you,” Michael says, tossing his phone off to the side and turning his full attention back to Luke.

“Why would he want to talk to me? Not that I’d mind.” Luke pulls his jacket tighter across his chest. Michael’s room is starting to cool down as the sun goes down.

Michael notices, of course, and gets up to grab a folded quilt from the end of his bed. “He doesn’t like feeling left out,” Michael says, holding out the quilt to Luke. “Plus I showed him a picture of you and he thinks you’re hot. Sorry about that.”

Luke takes the quilt and shakes it out to unfurl it. “That’s okay. I’ll take what I can get.” He smiles wryly.

Michael’s quiet for a moment as he settles back into his beanbag and takes a sip from his Dr Pepper. “I had an online girlfriend a couple years ago,” he finally says, a hint of self-deprecation in his tone.

“Really?” Luke leans toward Michael eagerly, intrigued. “How’d that work out for you?”

Michael snorts. “Not too well, obviously.”

Luke cringes. “Yeah, I guess if you’re speaking in past tense it must not have been great.” He wraps the quilt over his shoulders and tries to curl himself into a small enough ball for it to cover him completely.

Michael shakes his head at Luke, laughing. “You look ridiculous.” Luke sticks his tongue out in response. 

“She faked SARS,” Michael says, and it takes Luke a moment to catch up. His eyes widen.

“Your online girlfriend faked SARS?”

Michael nods. “Meg. And yeah. You can’t make this shit up.”

“How do you even fake SARS? WHY do you fake SARS?! Why SARS of all things?!” Luke’s getting increasingly more confused as he tries to process this information, and his voice pitches increasingly higher to match.

“I don’t really know.” Michael shrugs and takes another sip of Dr Pepper. “It started because she stayed over at her boyfriend’s house and someone in the family got SARS, so she thought _maybe_ she had it and had to quarantine in her room for 10 days. This was after we broke up, by the way. Hence the boyfriend that was not me.” 

Luke nods, encouraging Michael to continue. “She was very dramatic about it and got mad at me for not constantly asking how she was doing. She started ranting about how terrible I was in every online space she could find.” 

Michael pauses to let out a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair in frustration, tugging a bit along the way so it sticks out in all sorts of odd directions. Luke feels privileged to get to see him like this, unguarded and vulnerable. “I basically started ignoring her, which was maybe a little immature. BUT. A few days later she emails me an apology, saying she made up the whole thing.”

“The whole thing?”

“Yup. The exposure to SARS _and_ the boyfriend. Completely fictional.”

“Wow. I’d almost be impressed if I weren’t so disturbed.”

“You wanna know the craziest thing though?” Michael asks, biting back a smile.

“What?”

“I still talk to her.”

Luke’s mouth drops open. “You do? Why?!”

Michael laughs, covering his face in embarrassment. “I don’t know, she still talks to me and I feel bad ignoring her.”

“She’s a compulsive liar who regularly tries to manipulate you and publicly slander you, but you feel bad ignoring her.” Luke laughs incredulously. “I actually kind of get that,” he says. “Being too nice...it’s a curse.”

“It really is.” Michael nods, a smirk spreading across his face. “She gets so pissed when I talk to her about people here that I know. Especially you, because she sees us talking to each other on Tumblr a lot.”

“Really?” The idea of Michael talking to people about him - even if it’s just his toxic ex-online girlfriend - makes Luke feel warm and fuzzy.

“Yeah. She blows up. I think she’s jealous.” Michael raises his eyebrows and looks questioningly at Luke, maybe looking for some kind of confirmation that Meg has reason to be jealous.

“My reputation as a man-eater precedes me, then,” Luke says, shaking his head. Maybe it’s not the right thing to say. Maybe Michael was hoping for something more direct. But it’s the best Luke can do under the circumstances. He’s never been good at talking about his feelings, but he thinks he and Michael are on the same wavelength. They’ve been talking _around_ what they are to each other since day one, but somehow Luke still feels confident that they both just _know_.

Michael just chuckles in response, giving nothing away.

\---

Many, many hours later they’re so exhausted they decide to call it quits for the night and finish watching the show the following weekend. Luke makes the unfortunate realization that the campus bus stops running at 2am, so now he’s going to have to make a 3am trek two miles across campus to get back to his dorm. 

Michael offers to walk with him, and Luke tries to turn him down. “You’ll have to walk all the way back by yourself! It will take forever!” he protests as he ties up his shoelaces.

“I don’t mind,” Michael says with a shrug. “I want to.” He starts putting on his own shoes before Luke can try to protest further.

Honestly, Luke doesn’t really want to argue. He’s happy to have the chance to spend more time with Michael, and he’s pleased that Michael seems to feel the same. He must, if he’s up for a 4-mile round trip walk in the wee hours of the morning in what is likely to be near-freezing weather.

They’re drunk with exhaustion as they make their way out of Michael’s building, giggling in disbelief when they burst through the doors to find that it’s snowing outside. It’s still too warm for it to stick, but the flakes are cold and wet on their exposed faces and hands. They walk quickly to try to keep warm. It’s dark and the sidewalk and streets are eerily quiet. It feels like Luke and Michael are all alone, yet they still stifle their giggles, trying to respect the quiet that surrounds them. 

As they walk, they talk in hushed tones, hands stuffed in their pockets and heads bent against the chill in the air. Luke tells Michael stories from high school - the strange things that he and Calum would do to entertain themselves in their boring hometown, the short history of his limited romantic endeavors, the way he still feels like he’s stuck in his high school bubble even now that he’s in college. 

Luke likes catching glimpses of Michael’s face in the glow of the street lights along the way, snowflakes settling into his hair. It feels surreal, like Luke is inside one of his favorite songs. It’s one of those moments that he wants desperately to store in his brain forever, every detail meticulously cataloged for future Luke to recall fondly when he needs a moment of peace.

Michael tells Luke more about Meg and Harry, and about his own much different high school experience. Luke learns that Michael was regularly bullied for daring to look different and like different things than his peers. He saw college as a chance to finally find _his_ people, people that would love and accept him for who he is - but so far hasn’t had much luck in that regard. Until Luke, anyway.

“You’re the first person I’ve met here that I really felt like might understand me,” Michael says, swiping at the melting snowflakes in his eyelashes. 

“I’ve thought the same thing about you,” Luke admits, willing to be brave with his face hidden in the dark shadows of the very early morning.

“Really?” Michael grins, nudging Luke with his elbow. It’s the first time they’ve actually touched each other and Luke nearly jumps out of his skin at the sensation. He’s been a live wire all night, tightly wound with his own desire to reach out and touch Michael, to snuggle up against him on their beanbag oasis. Michael’s brief touch is a surprise that finally shakes him loose.

“Yeah. I love Calum, but it’s different. I’ve known him forever so we have a history, but at first, we were mostly friends out of convenience. I’m not sure if I met him today if we’d actually end up friends. With you, it just felt right.” Luke glances down at Michael and catches him staring straight back at him. Luke expects him to avert his eyes, but he doesn’t. He just smiles, licking his full lips. He’s not intentionally trying to entice Luke, but it makes Luke’s heart skip and his own tongue reflexively darts out to moisten his lips. Michael tracks the movement with his eyes, then turns his head back to the path in front of them.

“Yeah.” He nods slowly to himself before turning back to look at Luke, a tiny but content smile on his lips. “It does feel right.”

\---

The following week, things are pretty much...normal. Luke talks to Michael online every night, and their conversations don’t feel any different than they did before. They still talk about nothing, just enjoying the rhythm of the conversation and knowing the other person is present. Tuesday night, Luke is on the phone with his mom when a message from Michael pops up.

 **Mikerowave:** dislike this room so much.

 **Lukerzade:** What’s wrong with it? The people in it?

 **Mikerowave:** it is so small and

 **Mikerowave:** there are no doors

 **Lukerzade:** I think there might be a door.

Luke’s mouth goes on autopilot while he types, muttering occasional _yeahs_ and _mmhmms_ as his mom chatters in his ear.

 **Mikerowave:** inside the room

 **Lukerzade:** You mean like closet doors?

 **Mikerowave:** i mean like doors indicating rooms.

 **Lukerzade:** Bathroom doors. Bedroom doors.

 **Mikerowave:** _yes_. doors meaning separation.

 **Lukerzade:** Someday you will live in a place with doors.

Luke wraps up his call with his mom, eager to turn his entire focus to Michael. She can tell he’s distracted, so he plays it off like he’s trying to get homework done and she lets him go without complaint.

 **Mikerowave:** that’s what I love about this country. the ability to _dream_.

 **Mikerowave:** okay so

 **Mikerowave:** i’d be afraid if i were you

 **Lukerzade:** Afraid of…

 **Mikerowave:** my cousin jess asked me what i did over the weekend

 **Mikerowave:** so I told her about how we watched sherlock

 **Mikerowave:** and she knows about my tumblr and asked if you were the same luke from my tumblr

 **Mikerowave:** so then after i confirmed she said she had to go look at your tumblr

 **Mikerowave:** i ask her why and...i’ll just send it.

 **Mikerowave:** Jess: My friends wanted to see. They give him a 10.

 **Lukerzade:** Now I feel slightly distressed. I’m not sure I want to be the focus of such events.

 **Mikerowave:** and yet here you are. the focus.

 **Lukerzade:** Will have to deal with it by drinking more Diet Coke.

 **Mikerowave:** what an incredible defense mechanism.

The conversation leaves Luke feeling a strange mix of excited and uncomfortable. He’s not sure exactly why Michael shared this story with him; what he’s meant to take from it or how he’s meant to respond. Was it meant to be flirting? He’s flattered, in a way, but the fact that he can’t read where Michael’s head is at throws him. Their conversation quickly progresses into other pointless topics and the strange feeling slowly eases until Luke forgets he ever felt it in the first place.

\---

The following morning, Luke meets Calum at the Java House for their usual Monday, Wednesday, Friday pre-psychology lecture latte run. They meet a little early so they have time to chat about Luke’s first meeting with Michael.

“So you just...watched TV?” Calum asks, a hint of skepticism in his voice as he settles into a beat-up sofa and removes the stopper from his drink.

Luke nods. “Yeah. And we talked. A lot.” He sits across from Calum, lifting the lid from his drink in an attempt to warm his nose, which is still chilly from the walk over.

“How was it? Are you in love now?” Calum waggles his eyebrows suggestively and Luke rolls his eyes.

“It was fun. I liked hanging out with him in person as much as I like talking to him online.” Luke replaces the lid on his drink and takes a sip, wincing when the hot liquid burns the back of his tongue.

“Okay, but…” Calum’s face scrunches thoughtfully, a hint of hesitance in his eyes. “What now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you guys, like, _friends_ now? Are you dating? Are you just going to keep talking to each other online and never see each other again?”

“We already have plans to meet up again this weekend and finish watching the show.” Calum’s eyebrows raise, clearly impressed. Luke is sure Calum didn’t expect him to have an answer to that question, and Luke can’t blame him. He isn’t known for being particularly decisive or assertive. “In fact,” Luke continues, “I was kind of hoping you could take Niall off my hands on Saturday so Michael can come over.”

Calum sighs deeply, but Luke knows he will agree to help. He’d happily do anything for Luke as long as he gets to pretend like he’s put out by it. “I suppose I could ask him if he wants to go to the volleyball tournament with me or something.”

“That’s perfect! Thanks, Cal.”

“When do I get to meet him? Michael?”

Luke’s face twists thoughtfully. “Don’t know. Soon, though. I’ll talk to him about it this weekend maybe.”

“You better. I need to make sure he’s good enough for you,” Calum says, squinting in an attempt to look intimidating. He ends up looking more like a slightly perturbed puppy, and Luke loves it. He giggles, snapping a picture on his phone before Calum cracks up completely. 

\---

As Michael predicted, Harry _does_ eventually start messaging Luke. Luke gets the first message Thursday night.

 **Harryberry:** u are michael’s charming friend that looks like a god?

It’s quite the introduction, and it makes Luke blush pleasantly even though he’s fully aware it’s all in jest. Harry’s silly and overly flirtatious with Luke immediately, but based on Michael’s descriptions of Harry, that’s how he is with pretty much everyone and the best thing to do is just indulge him. Soon Luke finds himself jokingly agreeing to be Harry’s online boyfriend and fielding an onslaught of good-natured messages from Harry about all the ways he wants to wreck Luke, which Harry then shares with Michael in an attempt to show off his own sense of humor. 

Luke enjoys chatting with Harry, but if he’s honest a big part of why he likes it is that it feels like an opportunity to be a part of Michael’s life even more. It’s the same reason Calum is so eager to meet Michael - the best friend test. If your best friend gets along with the guy you’re interested in, life is so much easier. Which reminds Luke...

 **Lukerzade:** Here’s a pic of Calum trying to intimidate you.

 **Mikerowave:** why does he want to intimidate me?

 **Lukerzade:** Mainly he just wants to make sure you don’t murder me I think.

 **Mikerowave:** he should be more worried about harry. has calum _seen_ the amount of sexual harassment you get from him?

 **Lukerzade:** From Harry? Not really. I’m not in the habit of sharing it. That’s more Harry’s thing so he can pat himself on the back for being clever and nasty.

 **Mikerowave:** he is quite proud of his filth, that’s for sure.

\---

“I think Harry’s going to come and visit me this summer,” Michael says, settling into Luke’s futon. They’re queueing up the next episode of _Sherlock_ , determined to finish the show before the day is out. 

“Really? So you’ll finally get to meet him!” Luke sits down next to Michael and curls his legs under him. “That’s exciting.”

Michael’s face breaks into a huge grin. “Yeah. It’s gonna be awesome! I wanted to run something by you though.”

“Go for it.”

“You’re going to be staying in town over the summer, right?”

“Yeah. Cal and I are moving into our new apartment as soon as the semester’s over.”

“I thought it might be kind of cool if I brought Harry here, so he could see campus and meet some people. It’s a lot more interesting here than back in my hometown.”

“That’s an excellent idea. Maybe I can meet Harry too.”

Michael nods, silent for a moment, considering. Then, “You can totally say no, but...I was wondering if maybe we could stay with you and Calum while we’re in town.” He looks at Luke, trying to read his face. 

“Oh!” Luke’s surprised, but pleasantly so. It’s stupid, but Michael wanting to make this kind of long-term plan catches Luke off guard. It shouldn’t, though. At this point he knows that he and Michael are always on the same page, and Luke _definitely_ plans to still be in touch with Michael months in the future. Of course Michael doesn’t think anything of making plans that include Luke. 

“You totally can,” Luke replies enthusiastically. “I mean, I’ll double check with Cal but I’m sure he’ll be fine with it too.”

“Really?

Luke smiles brightly. “Yeah. It’ll be fun!”

Michael smiles back, small but sincere. “Hell yeah, it will be!”

They settle back to watch the show. After two more episodes, Luke startles when he suddenly realizes how close he is to Michael. He’s read about this in books a million times - people magically drifting closer together without any conscious thought. Be he always thought it was bullshit. Every time he’s been on a date, he is one hundred percent aware of every little move that he or the other person makes. If he nudges his leg against someone’s, it’s an intensely thought-out and deliberate decision. If someone brushes their hand against his, he sees it coming and he feels it immediately sparking in his nerves. 

And yet, here he is - shoulder to shoulder with Michael, both of them slumped slightly towards each other, and he has absolutely no idea how it happened. It’s like some invisible force pushed them together so gradually Luke couldn’t even feel his body shifting. It just feels natural. 

It’s still early when they finish the show. They stay pasted together on the futon and they just talk, about everything and nothing, for hours - until Niall texts to let Luke know he’s on his way back to the dorm. Luke walks Michael to the door and they say goodbye. Luke considers kissing Michael. He really wants to, but the moment doesn’t feel right, so he lets the idea drop. He’s got time, he thinks. _They’ve_ got time.

\---

**March 2016**

It’s like a switch flipped in Michael after that night, and suddenly Luke can’t say the right thing, ever. Michael still messages him, but their conversations never find the right groove, and Luke thinks it’s all Michael’s fault. _He’s_ not acting any differently - at least he doesn’t think he is. But Michael’s responses to him feel very different. Sometimes he’s aloof and disinterested. Sometimes he makes mean-spirited jokes, often at Luke’s expense. Sometimes he’s downright aggressive. 

Every message is a punch straight to Luke’s chest. He doesn’t understand why Michael is suddenly behaving this way. Despite not knowing Michael for very long, he feels a close bond with him, and now the Michael he thought he knew is acting like an entirely different person.

Michael’s new favorite topic of conversation is all his matches on Tinder. For some reason he seems to want to make sure Luke hears about every single one of the many hot people who find him desirable. His second favorite topic of conversation is giving Luke a hard time about his conversations with Harry, which are still essentially just flirtatious joking.

 **Mikerowave:** lu, guess what.

 **Lukerzade:** What?

 **Mikerowave:** i am _super_ cute.

 **Lukerzade:** Is this a Tinder fan?

 **Mikerowave:** yeah, duh.

Luke rolls his eyes, annoyed that Michael is already getting sassy with him 20 seconds into their conversation. It’s been going on like this for weeks and Luke’s so tired of it, so _hurt by it_ , that all he can do is sass right back.

 **Lukerzade:** Well Harry told me I am the sunshine. So there.

 **Mikerowave:** this guy on tinder calls himself ryan the brilliant

 **Lukerzade:** I’m glad he’s so confident in his genius.

 **Mikerowave:** he’s awesome. i replied to him.

It’s stuff like this that drives Luke the most insane, because he is almost positive Michael _knows_ how Luke feels about him. They didn’t have to talk about it, it was just a given. And Luke knew Michael felt the same - until the past weeks sent him into a complete tailspin. Now Luke can’t help but feel like Michael is being intentionally malicious, rubbing all these beautiful people in Luke’s face and making sure Luke knows he’s communicating with them. As a result, all of Luke’s most toxic defense mechanisms are raised. 

**Lukerzade:** I hope you two live a very happy life together.

 **Mikerowave:** nah. he’s not really my type.

 **Lukerzade:** Then why lead him on by messaging him?

 **Mikerowave:** how am i leading him on?

 **Lukerzade:** How are you _not_? But whatever. Glad you have a new internet friend to be nice to for 2 weeks.

 **Mikerowave: “** my name is ryan and i’m an event coordinator. all are welcome at my events except liars and prudes.” 

**Lukerzade:** mmkay.

 **Mikerowave:** wtf is your problem?

 **Lukerzade:** I don’t have a problem. I just don’t know what you’re talking about.

 **Mikerowave:** yeah. okay.

Luke sighs and knocks his head against the top of his desk. Why is this suddenly so hard? Why can’t he make himself stop responding? He feels himself becoming insufferable but he can’t quit.

 **Lukerzade:** Whatever.

 **Mikerowave:** whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever.

 **Lukerzade:** Yeah yeah. Make fun all you want.

Something cracks in Luke’s heart and his fingers are typing and hitting **_enter_ **before his brain can intervene.

 **Lukerzade:** You might be the most confusing human being I’ve ever met.

 **Mikerowave:** you snoot.

 **Lukerzade:** how is that snooty?

 **Mikerowave:** duh.

 **Lukerzade:** So now I can’t say anything to you anymore without it being taken the wrong way?

 **Mikerowave:** now? makes it sound like a recent development.

Luke growls in frustration, hands curling to stop himself from bashing his keyboard with his fists.

 **Lukerzade:** Ok. All you do anymore is make me try to argue with you so...I don’t know what you want me to say.

 **Mikerowave:** yoda is pretty cool.

 **Lukerzade:** No. Don’t do that.

 **Mikerowave:** you disagree?

Luke is drained. This is another one of Michael’s recent tactics - completely changing the subject every time Luke tries to have any sort of honest conversation about the odd turn their relationship has taken. Luke doesn’t know why he even bothers to try. If it were anyone but Michael, he would’ve just stopped talking to him. But he doesn’t know how to quit Michael. He’s seen a version of Michael that he absolutely adores, and he just wants to crack whatever code he needs to in order to find a way back to that Michael. So he keeps trying.

\---

“I thought you said I’d get to meet Michael soon,” Calum says, digging around in the candy dish sitting on Luke and Niall’s cheap Target coffee table. “It’s been weeks.”

Luke’s sprawled on the floor, hot and sweaty from joining Calum in the dorm gym for a morning workout. He pushes his damp curls back off his forehead and fans his face with his other hand. “Michael’s being weird.”

“What do you mean, weird?” Calum carefully unwraps a mini peanut butter cup and jams the whole thing in his mouth.

“I don’t know. He’s been kind of mean lately.”

“Mean how?”

“Stupid stuff. Like he turns my words around or takes them out of context. Last night he called me shallow for liking bands on the basis of physical attraction or some shit that wasn’t even what I actually said.” Calum hums thoughtfully and tosses a peanut butter cup at Luke. It bounces off his chest before landing in the groove between his chin and bottom lip. Luke giggles despite himself and picks it up to unwrap. “Thanks, Cal.”

“Are he and his weird friend still coming to stay with us this summer?”

“As far as I know,” Luke says, fussing with his wrapper. He squishes it as tightly as he can between his thumb and his pointer finger.

“Do you even want him to?”

Luke groans. “I don’t know. I guess so.” He makes it sound like he’s unsure, but the sad truth is that Luke desperately hopes Michael and Harry still come to visit over the summer. Even though there’s a real chance Michael will just be a massive jerk to him the whole time, Luke can’t help the excitement that bubbles in his chest at the thought of spending more time with Michael in person. It’s sick, really. Luke is better than this. He’s not a person who lets himself get treated like shit. He knows his worth. And yet...Michael. He might be in love with Michael, despite it all.

\---

**May 2016**

Even though Luke knows that he needs to at least try to move on, he’s still talking to Michael and Michael is still being a jerk to him. To be fair, at this point Luke is being a pretty big jerk to Michael too. He’s not even really sure why they’re still talking to each other at all, except maybe because they’re both friendly with Harry, or maybe because Michael wants to make sure he and Harry still have a place to stay when they come to visit campus next month. Neither option makes Luke feel particularly good, so he tries to ignore thinking about it. 

Michael obviously isn’t interested in him romantically anymore, and in fact regularly talks about how he is going to hook up with Calum. It’s clearly a joke meant to antagonize Luke since Michael has never even met Calum and barely knows anything about him, but it still bothers Luke. So Luke figures he may as well play the same game. It’s only fair.

 **Mikerowave:** hey lu

 **Mikerowave:** lu

 **Mikerowave:** lu

 **Lukerzade:** What?

 **Mikerowave:** harry dreamt about you.

 **Lukerzade:** He told me. He dreamt about you too.

 **Mikerowave:** yeah but i am his best pal

 **Lukerzade:** Your point?

 **Mikerowave:** he does not sex me up in his dream

 **Lukerzade:** He didn’t sex me up in his dream either.

 **Mikerowave:** oh no?

 **Lukerzade:** no…

 **Mikerowave:** :-)

 **Mikerowave:** calum is my fiance and i love him. you are harry’s fiance and he loves you.

 **Lukerzade:** i love him too.

**Mikerowave:**

**Harryberry:** Now it is a race of who gets sex first.

 **Lukerzade:** Is there an ulterior motive in sending me that quote?

 **Mikerowave:** yeah. you will encourage calum to be ready when we come to visit.

 **Lukerzade:** oh you will win. calum is pretty easy.

 **Mikerowave:** how can you say that? i know what kind of conversations you and harry have, slut.

Luke can’t believe he’s still putting energy into this charade. None of this is real. It’s all a joke; and a very bad joke that ran its course months ago at that. It’s not the words themselves that hurt Luke, really; it’s the fact that Michael _wants_ them to hurt Luke. He grabs his phone and his earbuds, letting the door slam behind him as he flees out the back stairwell. He needs to be somewhere else, _anywhere_ besides agonizing over Michael’s words on a screen.

It’s raining outside. _Hard_. Luke can hear thunder in the distance. It’s not the best weather for a walk, but he can’t stand the idea of going back inside, back to Michael’s harsh words. He cranks up his music and starts walking. It’s dusk, and the sky gets darker and darker as he walks, no destination in mind. The rain is relentless, and it quickly soaks through his clothes, but Luke doesn’t stop walking. It’s not until he tastes salt on his lips that he realizes he’s crying.

\---

**June 2016**

Luke _loves_ his new apartment, mostly because he gets a whole bedroom and bathroom all to himself. Having his own space makes him feel so much freer. Niall was a great roommate, but Luke felt like he always had to be _on_ with Niall around constantly. Now he has a room he can go to and just completely relax and let his guard down. 

He’s lying on his bed, arms behind his head, sunshine from the window behind him spilling over his face, soaking up his newfound freedom. He’s unfortunately reminded of his conversation with Michael about wanting doors. Thinking about Michael is always a little painful these days, but it especially hurts in this moment, because it reminds Luke how much alike he and Michael really are, with their need for a space of their very own. 

As if he could hear Luke’s thoughts, a message from Michael chimes on Luke’s laptop. Luke sighs and drags his laptop onto his tummy. He wishes he didn’t feel a visceral need to read everything Michael sends him immediately. He wishes he didn’t feel a pang of hope every time he opens a message from Michael; hope that maybe this will finally be the time “old” Michael returns.

 **Mikerowave:** you’re a boogerface, lu.

Luke almost cries on the spot. He is so tired of this. He knows he’s at a breaking point and he needs to just stop talking to Michael before it destroys him. But he’s not quite ready yet. The words pour out of him.

**Lukerzade:** You have a knack for making me feel bad about myself and I’m at the point where I’d rather not subject myself to it unnecessarily. 

**Lukerzade:** You used to be nice, then you got mean and I put up with it...but now you keep accusing me of being the one that’s intolerable. 

**Lukerzade:** But you know what? It’s not a big deal. I’ll be over it in an hour.

It’s an obvious lie, he’s clearly nowhere _near_ over it, but Luke’s pride makes him say it.

 **Mikerowave:** you overreact to everything.

 **Lukerzade:** Maybe I wouldn’t if you knew when to quit.

 **Mikerowave:** you don’t take _any_ of it though. you immediately get mopey and self-deprecating and attempt a guilt trip me.

 **Mikerowave:** but i’ve seen you take it from harry. i can’t get away with it but harry can.

 **Lukerzade:** Harry knows when to quit. You do it constantly.

 **Mikerowave:** when i _am_ nice to you, you don’t accept it, because it’s only because harry told me to be nice.

 **Lukerzade:** Yeah, because you’re not being nice on your own merit.

 **Mikerowave:** neither is harry! he’s being nice because an uncontrollable crush tells him to!

 **Lukerzade:** Well why does he have an uncontrollable crush? He must enjoy talking to me to some extent.

 **Mikerowave:** because he thinks you are _hot_.

Luke’s face crumples. Is Michael saying that the only reason anyone would ever be nice to him is because they like how he looks? Does Michael really think his personality is _that_ abhorrent? He knows he’s just going to prove Michael’s point about how he always gets mopey and self-deprecating, but he can’t help it.

 **Lukerzade:** That’s great. Makes me feel really good about myself, to think that no one actually appreciates my personality whatsoever.

 **Mikerowave:** oh luke. why are you even taking anything i say seriously.

Luke slams his laptop shut and tosses it to the end of his bed, tears pooling in his eyes. They run down his cheeks and into his ears as he gazes helplessly at the ceiling.

\---


	2. All The Ways You Devastate Me

In the weeks leading up to Michael and Harry’s trip, Luke gradually notices a small change in Michael’s demeanor. He’s still not like he _was_ , but he’s slightly friendlier. It might also be that Luke has changed a little, too. He’s stopped trying to find the Michael he first knew and resigned himself to dealing with this new version of Michael. He’s built up a wall around all his feelings for Michael and he’s no longer letting those emotions out. Whatever the cause, they’re having civil conversations again, and Luke is trying very hard not to let it get his hopes up.

It’s Tuesday, about 16 hours before Michael and Harry are due to arrive, and Luke is perusing the snack aisle at Target while Calum furiously texts Niall about how bored he is. “Do you think we need more than one bag of Fritos for the week?” Luke asks, tossing a bag into his basket. “They’re Michael’s favorite so I don’t want to run out.”

Calum looks up from his phone and rolls his eyes. “Why do you care? He’s a jerk.”

Luke bites his lip and shrugs. He just does. But he doesn’t know how to make Calum understand. “He hasn’t been so bad lately. Are you going to hang out with us at all?”

“A lot, probably,” Calum says. 

Luke cocks his head, surprised. “Really? Even though you think Michael’s a jerk?”

“Yeah, but I still want to see what it is about this guy that has you so worked up,” Calum says, reluctantly placing a second bag of Fritos in Luke’s basket. “Plus I think you might need backup.”

“Aww. That’s awfully nice of you, Cal,” Luke teases, voice syrupy sweet.

Calum wrinkles his nose. “Don’t get used to it.”

\---

That night, Luke can’t sleep. His body is exhausted but his mind won’t stop racing. He’s feeling so many conflicting emotions at the thought of seeing Michael - excitement, anticipation, anxiousness, trepidation - it’s all there, stewing in his brain and keeping him awake. Around 5am he finally gives up trying to sleep at all and gets out of bed. He showers and throws on a hoodie, then walks a few blocks over to Starbucks. He gets an extra shot of espresso in his latte and sits down at a table in the corner, attempting to busy his mind with people watching. He tries to make up stories about everyone that comes in the door, and it does help, a little.

The sun is just starting to rise as Luke makes his way back to his apartment, and he nearly crashes into Calum in the hallway as Calum heads out for his morning jog. Luke takes his time getting ready. Just like he wants to make sure he has plenty of Fritos for Michael, he also wants to look his best for Michael. It’s pathetic how long he spends in front of the bathroom mirror, running various products through his hair in an attempt to make it look perfectly tousled. As if Michael will even look twice at him. On the bright side, it helps the morning speed by, and soon Luke’s pocket is buzzing with a text.

**Michael** : LUKEY! It’s Harry! We’re almost there! ;) 

Luke slips on his Converse and goes out to the parking lot to wait. At this point he truly has no shame. After a few minutes of standing awkwardly in the parking lot, a maroon sedan pulls in, Harry’s curly head poking out the passenger side window with a huge grin. “LUKEY!” he yells, waving maniacally. “WE’RE HERE!”

Luke chuckles and waves back as Michael pulls into an open parking space. As soon as the car stops, Harry flings open the door and comes bounding over to Luke, wrapping him in a huge hug. It catches Luke by surprise and he almost topples over. “Oh my god,” he chuckles. “You just got here and you’re already endangering my life.” But he hugs Harry back, and his eyes land on Michael, who’s standing a few feet behind Harry, smiling tightly. Luke hasn’t seen Michael in person since their second Saturday together, and his chest clenches when their eyes meet over Harry’s shoulder. 

Harry releases Luke and Michael steps into the space he left, also pulling Luke into a hug. “Hey, Lu,” he says softly into Luke’s ear. Luke’s brain temporarily short circuits. It is _the most_ Michael has ever touched him, and he is overwhelmed on so many levels. After the way Michael has been behaving, Luke certainly didn’t expect him to be so...touchy. Friendly. Sweet. Anything other than cold and standoffish, really.

“Hey Michael,” Luke breathes out, his response coming about three seconds too late for it to sound natural. He’s surprised to see Michael smiling at him gently when he backs away. Michael turns to help Harry grab their bags out of his car and Luke shakes his head quickly, trying to snap himself out of the haze of surprise and confusion Michael’s hug left him in.

Luke shows Michael and Harry around the apartment and offers them sodas while they wait for Cal to get back from his summer statistics class. Luke thinks he catches a glint of _something_ in Michael’s eyes when he asks Harry what he wants to drink but wordlessly hands Michael a Dr Pepper, but he tells himself not to overthink it. Keeping his emotions locked away is apparently the only way to have a civil relationship with Michael, so if he’s going to survive this visit he can’t let himself get his hopes up. 

Instead, he focuses on trying to figure out his rapport with Harry in person, which ends up not being terribly difficult. Real Harry is no different than online Harry, other than the fact that Luke has to get accustomed to the deep tone and lazy tempo of his voice, which isn’t at all what he had imagined. It’s sort of nice, though, Luke thinks. Soothing and calm, all the things that Luke isn’t.

“How was your drive?” Luke asks, popping the tab on his can of Diet Coke. 

Harry rolls his eyes. “It was fine, except emo boy over here made us listen to My Chemical Romance the whole time.”

“What’s wrong with My Chemical Romance?” Luke asks.

“See, Harry!” Michael jumps in, smiling conspiratorially at Luke. “You just don’t know what’s good.” He shoves Harry gently on the shoulder and Harry makes a dramatic show of falling out of his chair. Michael looks at Luke, shaking his head and making a face that seems to communicate _See what I’ve been dealing with?_ Luke giggles at Michael and shrugs.

It’s all very surreal. He thought seeing Michael again would be different now than it was in March, but it’s all the same. As much as Luke is trying to suppress his feelings, it’s becoming very difficult with Michael sitting across the table from him sharing secret glances and talking to him just like he used to.

\---

Once Calum finally makes it home and introductions are made, they all decide to hit up the apartment complex pool for the afternoon. 

“What do you think of Harry?” Michael asks, voice muffled by the beach towel he’s resting his face on. 

Luke’s on the chaise lounge next to Michael, back propped up so he can read, although he’s too distracted by Michael to actually read much. Michael’s eyes are closed against the sun, and his back is covered in a layer of sunscreen so thick Luke could draw pictures in it with his finger if he had the guts. (He doesn’t.) He glances at the pool, where Calum is attempting to relax on an elaborate floatie while Harry splashes him and violently shoves the floatie in circles. “He’s pretty much exactly what I expected,” Luke finally says.

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s not really good or bad. It just is.” Luke turns the page in his book despite having read approximately four words off the previous page. He’s committed to this charade.

Michael opens his eyes, studying Luke. Luke can feel Michael looking at him, so he stares twice as hard at his book, determined not to turn his head. “Do you think Calum likes us?” Michael asks.

Luke tugs his bottom lip into his mouth with his teeth. “Yeah, I think he likes you fine.” Michael just hums in response and turns his face back into his towel. 

Luke’s had a close eye on the interactions between Michael and Calum because he can’t _help_ but feel a little jealous of the way Michael has talked about Calum in their online conversations. Calum is comfortable talking to pretty much anyone, so his conversations with Michael haven’t necessarily been awkward or uncomfortable, but it does feel a little like they’re politely speaking to each other in two different languages. It reminds Luke of his relationship with Niall - friendly, but not that deep. Still, Luke’s hyperaware of every interaction Michael and Calum have. They’ve only just met. There’s still plenty of opportunity for them to fall in love and run off together. Luke shakes his head at his own inner monologue. He’s being stupid.

“Was I what you expected?” Michael asks suddenly. Luke sighs and sets his book to the side. He scrunches his eyes closed, hard, trying to figure out the best way to answer. When he opens them, Michael is staring back at him intently, hands folded under his cheek. His green eyes pop brightly against the sunburnt pink of his cheeks.

“Yeah, Mikey. You _were_ exactly what I expected,” Luke says, emphasizing the _were_ so delicately he’s not sure if Michael will even notice. He’s not sure if he wants him to or not.

Michael nods, but his face doesn’t give anything away. “Are you having a good time with Harry?” Luke asks, hoping to steer them toward a safer topic.

Michael grins. “Yeah. He’s a lot sometimes but he helps me loosen up. It’s been nice. Except…” he pauses, smirking pointedly at Luke.

“Except what?” Luke prompts.

“Except all the thirsty texts he’s been sending me about you while you’re sitting right in front of us.”

Luke scoffs. “He is not.”

“He absolutely is,” Michael says, flipping from his tummy to his side, facing Luke directly.

“He’s joking though,” Luke says.

“He absolutely isn’t,” Michael says flatly. “He really likes you.”

Luke’s cheeks heat. This is unstable ground for him. He likes Harry as a friend, but he genuinely thought their online flirting was all in good fun. Nothing real; nothing serious. And since meeting Harry in person, there haven’t exactly been sparks flying.

“Does he really like me or does he just really like looking at me?” Luke asks pointedly. He doesn’t know if Michael remembers the conversation where he implied Harry was only interested in Luke for his pretty face, but Luke thinks maybe he does, because Michael visibly flinches at the question.

But he recovers quickly, a mischievous grin taking over his face. “Who can blame him either way?”

Luke just rolls his eyes. He doesn’t know if Michael was attempting to compliment him or tease him, and he convinces himself he doesn’t care enough to ask.

\---

That night Niall comes over with pizzas and they all sprawl around the living room to watch a movie. In the end they don’t actually do much watching, and the movie becomes background noise. Luke is snuggled into the corner of the sofa, quietly observing the antics of his friends. All night Niall has been blatantly flirting with Michael, and it’s made Luke feel a little subdued. Calum is helping, though, by texting him to commiserate about Niall’s behavior.

**Calum:** WTF is up with Niall tonight? He’s all over Michael.

**Luke:** I know, it’s so weird!

**Calum:** I about lost it when he just randomly started feeding Michael pizza.

**Luke:** Same. I’ve never seen him like this.

**Calum:** Michael looked absolutely terrified. :D

“Whatcha doing?” Michael’s voice is suddenly in Luke’s ear, and he tries to angle his phone away from Michael’s eyes as Michael settles in next to him on the couch, arm wrapping loosely around Luke’s shoulders. Luke’s body goes on high alert immediately.

“Nothing. My mom’s texting me,” Luke lies, placing his phone face down on the end table.

“Are we boring you?” Michael shakes Luke a little with the arm that’s wrapped around his shoulders. 

“Mikey, Lukey, look at me!” Harry yells from his blanket pile on the floor. They both turn to look at him and Harry snaps a picture with his phone, giggling as he reviews the surprised looks on Michael’s and Luke’s faces in the photo. “That’s going on Instagram immediately.”

“Hang on, Harry, get one with me too!” Niall exclaims, jumping out of the recliner he was lounging on and throwing himself on top of Michael. He leans his head in close to Michael’s, and Michael shifts away from Niall’s head as much as he can, closer to Luke. Luke inhales sharply as he feels Michael’s breath on his face, but he keeps a smile plastered on his face as Harry takes another photo. Michael nudges Niall out of his lap and Niall slides off, but he stays pressed close to Michael’s other side. Luke finds Calum’s eyes across the room and they share a meaningful look. 

Luke’s phone buzzes when Harry tags him in his Instagram post. There’s the photo of Michael with his arm around Luke, both of them with wide eyes and mouths gaping at the camera. Luke’s struck by how relaxed their body language is, even with the surprised expressions on their faces. Then there’s the photo of Niall sprawled on top of them, smiling brilliantly as he leans into Michael. Luke’s smile looks surprisingly genuine, but it’s the look on Michael’s face that tugs at Luke’s heart uncomfortably. His face is turned to look at Luke, mouth inches away from Luke’s cheek, a soft, fond smile on his lips.

The pictures certainly tell a story. Unfortunately, the story they tell is far from reality. Luke wishes he could live inside the fantasy of those photos forever. He saves them to his phone, even though he knows he’ll just torture himself every time he looks at them.

That night, Luke falls asleep on the living room floor, wrapped in a sleeping bag, with Michael sprawled across the sofa behind him and Niall slouched over on top of Michael. When Luke wakes up in the morning, long before everyone else, Michael’s arm is hanging off the sofa and his hand is resting gently on top of Luke’s head, fingers threaded into his hair. Luke stays as still as he can for as long as he can, quietly lying awake for hours while he waits for everyone else to wake up, head tingling from Michael’s touch.

\---

Michael and Harry end up spending three nights at Luke & Calum’s apartment, and Niall stays over the whole time as well. Luke’s equal parts frustrated and relieved that he never really gets a minute alone with Michael, and every conversation he tries to have with Michael eventually gets interrupted and taken over by Niall or Harry. Between the two of them Luke doesn’t think he’s known silence in four full days.

Part of Luke would really like the chance to talk to Michael alone and see if maybe, somehow, _his_ Michael is really back, and there’s hope for the two of them together. He’s seen so many glimpses of the Michael he remembers. The Michael he might possibly love. But he’s worried that no matter how Michael treats him in person this week, all bets will be off once Michael is back home. Luke can’t bear the idea of thinking maybe he and Michael had found their way back to where they had been before, only to have Michael start treating him like trash again once the trip is over.

Luke hugs Michael and Harry goodbye on Monday afternoon, then retreats to his room, exhausted from too many late nights in a row. He picks up the remote from his bedside table with the intention of zoning out to some reality TV. His forehead wrinkles when he notices an unfamiliar bag of gummy bears stuffed behind his alarm clock with a purple post-it note attached to the top.

**I’m sorry, Lu. I know these don’t make up for everything, but it’s the best I can do right now. - Mikey**

Luke’s heart races as his brain tries to process what it means. It seems like an apology for the way he’s been treating Luke the past few months, which should make Luke happy. And at first, it does. But something about the way the note is worded, and the way it was left for Luke to discover after Michael was long gone, feels ominous to Luke. It’s an apology, yes, but it sounds a little...hopeless. What does Michael mean, _the best he can do right now?_ Luke doesn’t need gummy bears, he needs _them_ , the old Luke and Michael. That’s _all_ he needs. What is so hard about that?

Luke agonizes over this question as he mindlessly chews gummy bears and his eyes glaze over whatever drama is happening on his TV screen. Until finally, somewhere in the deep, dark folds of Luke’s brain, he comes up with an answer. Michael’s sorry for being mean to him, but he also doesn’t feel the same for Luke as Luke does for him. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. 

\---

**September 2016**

Soft lips are on Luke’s, then there’s a strong hand in his hair, tangling in his curls, and then a warm tongue gently prodding his lips open. Luke’s only been on two dates with Ashton, but given that Ashton’s tongue is currently inside his mouth, he thinks they must have been pretty good dates.

As it turns out, that curly-haired kid that sat next to Luke in World War II class last spring also happens to be in his French Revolutions class this fall. On the first day of class, he spotted Luke sitting at the back of the room and immediately came over to sit next to him. “I’m Ashton,” he said, grinning at Luke. “I copied your notes all last semester so I figured it was time I finally introduced myself.”

“I do take _very_ good notes,” Luke replied with a smirk. “I’m Luke.”

Two weeks later, Ashton asked Luke on a date, and a week after that, Luke’s making out with Ashton at the top of a slide at the park across the street from Luke and Calum’s apartment building. It’s dark outside and the park is closed, so they’re not scandalizing any children, but he gets the sense Ashton wouldn’t care if they were. Luke’s mind wanders as Ashton’s hands roam all over his body.

Luke likes Ashton, but he can’t help but compare how he feels about him to how he felt about Michael. Still feels about Michael, if he’s totally honest. As much as Luke enjoys spending time with Ashton, he’s missing that sense of deep connection he felt with Michael. He tries not to think too hard about it because he knows the immediate connection he and Michael had was a rare thing. Maybe he and Ashton will get there too, eventually. Luke’s trying to go with the flow, for a change. A relationship he doesn’t constantly overthink is exactly what he needs right now.

He still chats with Michael online once or twice a week. After Michael and Harry’s visit, Michael continued being generally nice to Luke, in a vague and distant way. It’s certainly better than regularly being called a slut, but it’s a far cry from the intimate, rambling conversations they used to have. 

Luke is trying very hard to be mature about it and move on with his life. He and Michael can be casual acquaintances while Luke focuses his energy on people who are actively interested in him. Like Ashton, who pulls Luke’s focus back to the present moment when he runs his hand down Luke’s arm and then lightly rubs the front of Luke’s pants, directly over his dick.

Well. At least Luke doesn’t have to question Ashton’s feelings or intentions. Luke pulls his mouth away from Ashton’s, catching his breath. “Maybe we should stop before we end up in a compromising position in the middle of the park,” he says, watching Ashton’s blown-wide eyes, illuminated by a nearby streetlight.

“Yeah,” Ashton agrees, scooting closer to the slide. “Race me home?” he asks, throwing Luke a devilish grin and pushing himself down the slide with a whoop.

Luke shakes his head and slides down behind Ashton. When he reaches the bottom, Ashton is waiting for him with his hand extended. “I thought we were racing,” Luke says as he takes Ashton’s hand.

Ashton shrugs. “Wanted to stay close to you.” They walk slowly back to Luke’s apartment, and as they pass under the street light, Luke catches himself thinking about Michael walking him back to his dorm after their first meeting. His fingers are wound together with Ashton’s, and Ashton is pressed up against his side, but somehow Luke feels closer to his memory of Michael than to the reality of Ashton next to him.

\---

**November 2016**

**Mikerowave:** lu?

**Lukerzade:** Hi.

**Mikerowave:** you going home for thanksgiving?

**Lukerzade:** Yeah

In fact, Luke’s currently taking a break from packing for his trip home, savoring his annual pumpkin spice latte while he watches a Thanksgiving episode of _Friends_.

**Mikerowave:** oh, damn

**Lukerzade:** Why?

**Mikerowave:** i’m staying in town for break and harry said you weren’t sure if you were going home or not last time he talked to you

**Mikerowave:** i thought maybe we could have a little thanksgiving together if you were going to be around.

Dumbfounded, Luke squints at his laptop, rereading Michael’s words to make sure he didn’t hallucinate. Sure, Michael’s been nice to him, on the rare occasion they check in with each other. But he has never once even hinted that he might want to see Luke again, so this Thanksgiving thing is really throwing Luke’s brain in the spin cycle. He is extremely tempted to tell Michael his plans have conveniently been canceled and he’ll be around for Thanksgiving after all. But he doesn’t. He can’t keep being a pushover for Michael without ever getting anything in return. Plus...Ashton. His _boyfriend_.

**Lukerzade:** Oh, yeah, I was thinking about staying since it’s a long way to go for Thanksgiving _and_ Christmas, but my brothers guilted me into it.

**Mikerowave:** it’s cool. it was just an idea. 

**Mikerowave:** is ashton going?

**Lukerzade:** Nah, he’s headed home too.

**Mikerowave:** how’s that going? you and ashton?

These conversations with Michael, where they try to talk about Ashton like it’s not incredibly weird, feel like a strange dance that neither of them knows how to lead, so they just flail around helplessly. At first, Luke really wanted Michael to know about Ashton. He tells himself it was because he and Michael are friends, theoretically, and of course he would tell his friend about the guy he’s dating. 

But Luke’s not very good at kidding himself. He knows that really, he just wants Michael to see him moving on, living his life happily without worrying about Michael; and an added bonus if he also gets to rub the fact that he’s dating a hot guy in Michael’s face. Super bonus if it actually makes Michael jealous, which Luke hasn’t been able to get a read on. Michael has a good poker face and has seemed supportive of Luke’s relationship despite the general awkwardness of navigating the topic. 

**Lukerzade:** It’s good, I guess. We’re just going with the flow.

**Mikerowave:** what does that even mean? i’m not trying to be snarky. genuinely curious because i don’t think i’ve ever “gone with the flow” in my entire life.

**Lukerzade:** Neither have I, actually. It’s more like Ashton goes with the flow and I float behind in his wake.

**Mikerowave:** nice nautical metaphor

**Lukerzade:** Thanks, I try.

**Mikerowave:** are you...okay with that?

**Lukerzade:** For now I am.

**Mikerowave:** maybe not forever though?

**Lukerzade:** Maybe not forever.

\---

**April 2017**

As it turns out, “not forever” ends up being almost exactly seven months. In the end, Ashton’s the one who breaks things off with Luke, but Luke had seen it coming. Things had been off with them for a few weeks. Their conversations were awkward and rote, and Luke was increasingly frustrated that the connection he so badly hoped would build between them over time seemed to be getting weaker instead of stronger. Instead of trying to fix it, he pulled away from Ashton. It was his fault that things went to shit, he knows.

The actual break-up is fairly painless, as break-ups go. Ashton is kind and Luke is already checked out from the relationship to the point where he isn’t all that bothered. He still goes through the motions of a break-up, forcing himself to spend the evening crying and eating a bunch of junk food, but he doesn’t actually feel like he needs to do those things. He’s fine without Ashton. 

He realizes he _is_ upset about something, though. It’s not the loss of Ashton. It’s the fact that he screwed up something that had the potential to be really good. If he had just been...different. Better. Maybe he and Ashton would’ve found that connection and they could’ve been really good together, maybe even forever.

He’s thinking about this while he blasts AFI and scrolls through Tumblr, and when he sees Michael come online he is struck with what is either the best or the worst idea he has ever had. He quickly starts typing out a message to Michael before he can talk himself out of it.

**Lukerzade:** You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to. 

**Lukerzade:** Why did you start treating me differently after you met me?

**Mikerowave:** remember when we were at your pool and i asked you if i was what you expected?

**Lukerzade:** Yeah

**Mikerowave:** why didn’t you ask me if you were what i expected?

**Lukerzade:** I don’t know. Scared to know the answer, probably.

**Mikerowave:** well. you weren’t what i expected.

**Lukerzade:** Oh. 

**Mikerowave:** yeah.

Luke’s fingers are frozen over his keyboard as he stares through his laptop screen, eyes blurred with tears that he’s not sure he understands the cause for.

His intention was to find out if his experience with Michael was essentially a hyperspeed version of his relationship with Ashton. He has a hypothesis that he makes a good first impression. He’s smart, cute, a little silly, and maybe a little weird, but in an interesting way. But once someone gets to know him better, they see all the ways he’s screwed up. He’s not a very good person, actually. He’s judgmental and negative and insecure; and of course no one wants to stick around for that. Maybe Michael just realized it a lot sooner than Ashton because he and Michael got close so quickly.

And based on Michael’s response, Luke’s hypothesis is absolutely true.

\---

**December 2020**

“You weren’t what I expected.” 

It’s almost like a mantra for Luke at this point. He goes on dates occasionally, sometimes even a few dates with the same person, but before it gets too serious, Luke remembers Michael’s words and ends things before the other person has a chance to see who Luke really is and break it off with him. As long as he does it quickly enough, it doesn’t really hurt. He never gets a chance to get close to any of these people. Fortunately, he hasn’t really encountered anyone he _wants_ to get close to. He wonders about the endgame, though. Why go through the charade of dating if he has no intention of actually having a relationship?

Because he wants one, badly. That’s the inconvenient truth. Luke is lonely, and he just wants someone to talk to who understands him, someone to come home to, someone who will cuddle with him on the couch at night while they watch Netflix. So he goes on the dates, because for a few hours it lets him fool himself into thinking maybe he can have what he so desperately wants.

With a sigh, Luke closes Tinder and tosses his phone on the table, talking himself out of accepting any dates for the next few weeks. It’s the holiday season, and first dates over the holidays are messy. He folds his body over Petunia’s, wrapping her in a loose hug and kissing the top of her head. “We’ll spend the holidays together, won’t we sweets?” She wriggles under him, eventually resting her head on top of Luke’s arm. Luke closes his eyes and sighs again. 

He hasn’t talked to Michael in at least two years, but he still sees him on social media. A girlfriend here, a boyfriend there, studying abroad in Spain for his senior year, taking an internship at some videogame company in Arizona after graduation. Luke’s pretty sure he’s over Michael at this point. He doesn’t crave Michael the way he used to, and he doesn’t compare every romantic interest to Michael the way he used to. 

But somehow, he is still hung up on Michael’s words, and it’s not healthy. He’s not the same person he was as a freshman, so why is he still living his life according to a comment Michael made about an entirely different version of himself?

\---

  
Normally Luke goes to the coffee shop on Thursday mornings to grade papers so he can get it done before the weekend. He’s a graduate TA for an intro to sociology course and Thursday is usually the only day he doesn’t have to be on campus to teach. But this particular Thursday, he has to fill in for one of the other TAs who is out sick and needs someone to lead their discussion section, so Luke doesn’t make it to the coffee shop until mid-afternoon.

It feels strange, sitting at his normal table with the sun hitting him at a different angle and different baristas working the counter in front of him. It’s quieter than in the morning, too, which Luke appreciates. He even takes off his headphones for a while, enjoying the ambient white noise instead of blasting his music loudly to cover up the conversations around him, which he always has to do in the morning.

He’s in the middle of reading an essay on groupthink when a shadow falls over his table. “Luke?”

Luke doesn’t recognize the voice, and he turns to look up. It takes him a few seconds to register that he’s looking at Michael, simply because he never expected to see Michael ever again. Michael’s hair is styled differently, and its light blonde instead of the dark black and violet shades Luke remembers, but his face is exactly the same.

“Hi?” It comes out as a question, because Luke still isn’t convinced Michael is really there next to him. He’s probably having a caffeine-induced hallucination. Michael looks concerned, and Luke realizes that Michael isn’t sure Luke recognizes him. “I…didn’t think you were still in town,” he adds, still trying to get his wits about him.

The concern dissolves off Michael’s face and is replaced with a soft smile. “Yeah. I just moved back from Phoenix. I had an internship that ended and no job lined up so…grad school it is, starting next semester.”

Luke nods politely, trying to take everything in. “So you’ll probably be doing exactly what I am pretty soon,” he says, nodding at his stack of papers.

“You’re at TA?” Michael asks.

“Yeah. Sociology.”

“That’s cool.” Michael fidgets a little, running his finger over his lips. “I wasn’t sure it was you at first. Your hair is so long now…but then I saw the Drive-Thru pin on your backpack and that was a dead giveaway.” Michael chuckles.

“Some things never change,” Luke looks up at Michael through his unruly curls with a tight smile. Behind it, his mind is reeling. Of all the scenarios Luke imagined for possibly seeing Michael again, having awkward small talk with him on a Thursday afternoon was not at the top of the list.

“How are you?” Michael asks. “You look really good,” he adds, eyes boldly roaming over Luke’s face, and Luke is surprised by how matter-of-fact and sincere he sounds. Direct; no room for misinterpretation.

“Thanks. So do you.” And it’s true. Michael looks…softer. Content. And if Michael can be direct, so can he. Michael visibly relaxes after the words pass Luke’s lips. “I’m good, _busy_ , with finals to grade, but good,” Luke continues. “And it’s a nice surprise to see you.”

“Really?” Michael asks skeptically, but he’s grinning. “I thought maybe you’d forgotten about me.”

“I could never,” Luke says. He laughs to keep the mood light, but it’s absolutely the truth.

Michael’s grin morphs into a cringe. “Hopefully not just for bad reasons,” he says. His tone is joking and self-deprecating, but Luke senses an honest question behind the joke.

So he answers it. “Mostly for good reasons.” Luke smiles and runs his hand through his hair to push his curls out of his eyes, and Michael inhales sharply. Luke looks at him questioningly.

There’s a beat of silence, and Michael looks like he’s trying to decide whether or not to say something. “I know you’re probably busy right now, but we should catch up some time,” he finally says.

Luke doesn’t know if it’s a good idea. He’s going to need to go home and obsess over this conversation for at least an hour before he can decide how he really feels about this situation, but his automatic response is to agree with whatever Michael says. Some things never change, indeed. And for all he knows, Michael’s just trying to be polite and doesn’t actually have any desire to catch up.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Luke says, fully expecting that to be the end of their conversation, for Michael to wave goodbye, and for him to disappear out of Luke’s life forever.

But Michael persists. “You free at all this weekend?” he asks, and Luke physically recoils in surprise.

He plays it off like he just needed to slide his chair out and stretch his legs. He’s not sure what move to make here. He _is_ free, and he doesn’t want to turn Michael down for fear that he’ll never get the chance to see him again if he does. But he also would very much like the opportunity to agonize over this decision before he makes it. In the end, inevitably, he gives in to Michael. “Yeah, tomorrow’s my last day of work for the semester so I’m pretty much free for a whole month starting Saturday.”

Michael smirks. “Are you suggesting we hang out for a whole month?”

And this is disturbingly familiar to Luke. Disturbing, because it reminds him of _his Michael_. Not the Michael that was unnecessarily antagonistic, not the Michael that was distantly polite, but the first Michael he knew. The best Michael he knew. Luke feels himself falling back into the old rhythm almost immediately.

“Sure. There has to be a show with enough episodes to keep us occupied for a month. Have you ever seen _Mystery Diagnosis_?”

Michael erupts with laughter, a bright giggle that’s just a little too loud for the lazy mid-afternoon vibes of the coffee shop. “Maybe we should ease into it. Get some dinner or something, then decide if we’re ready to commit to a month of _Mystery Diagnosis_.”

Luke nods agreeably. “Fair enough.”

Michael checks the time on his phone. “Saturday night?” he asks. “The good pizza place on campus?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Has your number changed? I have to run home to meet the internet setup person, but I can text you about details.”

Does this mean Michael has kept Luke’s number in his phone all these years? Sure, maybe he’s just lazy and doesn’t bother cleaning out his contacts, but…it makes Luke a little soft all the same. He smiles up at Michael. “Same number. Text me whenever.” Michael gives him a thumbs up and a goofy wave as he hurries out the door.

\---

On Saturday Luke tries to stay as busy as possible to avoid thinking about his dinner with Michael. He did, in fact, go home from the coffee shop and agonize over his decision to agree to meet up with Michael, and eventually he realized he was glad he decided to do it. If nothing else, maybe it can bring Luke some closure on a confusing chapter of his life; help him move on.

But even as Luke busies himself with cleaning his apartment, giving Petunia a bath, and baking sugar cookies, his mind still drifts back to Michael. How good Michael looked at the coffee shop. How the little glimpse of Luke’s favorite Michael slipped out at the end of their conversation. How Michael seemed so happy to see him. Luke tries to hold on to a single thought and let himself obsess about it until he’s explored it from every possible angle, but his mind won’t let him grasp onto any one thing for more than a few seconds before it bounces to something else. In between his racing Michael thoughts, Luke notices something else bubbling in his brain.

Hope.

Against his better judgment, he lets it happen instead of trying to bury it away.

That night, before he leaves to meet Michael, Luke looks at himself in the bathroom mirror for a long time, wondering what Michael sees when he looks at Luke now. He knows he has changed in the past few years, but it happened slowly enough that he doesn’t always realize how different he might seem to someone who hasn’t seen him since freshman year.

He’s a little taller, and he’s a lot broader, with wide shoulders and impossibly long legs, both of which make it difficult for him to find clothes that fit him well off the rack. His formerly gangly limbs have filled out with muscle, his hair is longer, and his face is sharper and usually covered in stubble. He looks like a man now, even though he doesn’t feel like one.

He’s also more confident; more comfortable in his own skin and less concerned with what other people think about him. He’s been told (by his mom and Calum, who probably don’t count) that the increased confidence comes across in his demeanor, but he doesn’t really believe it. He’s still awkward and strange, he just embraces it instead of letting it bother him like he used to.

He dresses in all black. Tight black button-down, tighter black pants, black boots, black leather jacket. If things don’t go well, he’ll be perfectly dressed to sexily mourn a disastrous evening. If things do go well, well…Luke’s not even sure he knows what “going well” means in this situation. Having a civil conversation with Michael? Spending a fun night with Michael that leads to them both realizing they want to hang out more? Hearing Michael confess a 4-year undying crush on Luke? Late at night, when Luke’s brain won’t let him sleep, he often fantasizes about the last one. It’s with that thought in mind that Luke decides to undo another button on his shirt before he heads out the door.

\---

**Michael:** Traffic is awful, running a few minutes late. Grab a table if you want.

Luke reads the text again and runs his finger over the gentle ridges of his pebbled red plastic soda cup. He’s seated at a two-top booth along the back wall of the dimly-lit restaurant, trying not to look like he’s anxiously waiting for Michael’s arrival. The text came less than 10 minutes ago, but Luke is still nervous that somehow this thing is going to fall through and Michael won’t show.

“Lu!” Luke’s head snaps up at the sound of Michael’s voice, and he grins when he sees Michael waving dramatically at him as he bounds past the host table and makes his way back to Luke, finally sliding into the booth across from him. “Sorry I’m late!” he says immediately. “Looks like they got you set up with a Diet Coke at least,” he says, eyes traveling from Luke’s cup up to his face. When their eyes meet, Michael offers Luke an apologetic smile.

“Yeah, you know that’s all I really need to be happy,” Luke replies with a chuckle.

“It’s good to know that hasn’t changed,” Michael says. “I didn’t know if maybe you’d turned into one of those people who thinks soda is evil or something.”

Luke gasps. “Never! It might kill me but it will be worth it.”

Michael laughs, nodding in agreement. “I can’t think of a way I’d rather die than at the hands of my one true love, Dr Pepper.”

“Shocking they haven’t recruited you for any of their marketing materials,” Luke says, scratching his neck to busy his anxious hands. Michael’s eyes track the movement of Luke’s hand, then drift down, taking in the considerable expanse of Luke’s chest that’s on display.

“Wow.” His mouth quirks into an impressed smirk. “Really testing the limits of that shirt, I see.”

Luke’s cheeks heat slightly, but he forces himself to look Michael in the eye. “It’s hard to find shirts that fit right,” he says simply, almost a challenge.

“I’ll bet it is,” Michael says, maintaining eye contact with Luke and licking his lips. Luke’s stomach flips and he swallows over the thickness building in his throat. This is…not quite what he was expecting. “Ever thought about just giving up on shirts entirely?” Michael asks, eyes wide and innocent.

Luke’s not sure how he feels about Michael’s blatant flirting. It triggers bad memories of Michael telling Luke that Harry was only interested in him for his looks. Yeah, he’s still not quite over it. But at the same time…it feels really fucking nice to have Michael finally give him the time of day. “I don’t think I’d be allowed in here without a shirt,” Luke replies. “No shirt, no Diet Coke. We can’t have that.”

Michael nods emphatically. “You’re right. That _would_ be tragic.”

Their waiter comes over and Luke watches as Michael rattles off their pizza order, pausing to glance at Luke. “Just cheese, right?” he asks, and Luke nods to confirm.

“So,” Luke says, clearing his throat as the waiter leaves. “Welcome back, I guess.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Michael replies sarcastically.

“You know what I mean. It’s a weird situation. But I do think it’s nice that you’re here.” Luke watches the flashing neon light above their booth bathe Michael’s pale face and hair in alternating shades of red and green. He’s looking down at the table, tracing his finger through a puddle of condensation around his drink. He looks beautiful.

“I know what you meant,” Michael says, lifting his head and giving Luke a small smile. “That’s actually part of why I wanted to meet up with you. I wanted to -” He takes a deep breath and Luke watches him curiously. “I’ve imagined this conversation so many times but now I’m not really sure where to start,” he says with a humorless chuckle.

Luke tries to be patient while Michael searches for words but his mind is reeling. He carefully arranges his face in what he hopes is a neutral expression. “Start anywhere,” he says softly.

Michael nods gratefully. “I guess I should start with I’m sorry.” He looks at Luke with intensity in his eyes, like he’s pleading Luke to understand without him actually having to say the words. And maybe Luke does understand, but he still wants to hear it from Michael.

Luke chews his bottom lip, mind racing, then nods. “Thank you.”

Michael keeps staring at him, trying to sense if there’s any sarcasm or anger behind his words. There’s not.

“I was pretty awful to you,” Michael picks at the skin around his fingernail, eyes darting up to Luke every so often. “You didn’t deserve that, and I’ve felt bad about it for…well, since I started doing it, I guess.”

“Then why _did_ you do it?” Luke blurts, unable to hold back the question that’s been plaguing him for years.

Michael smiles sadly at Luke. “Because I’m an idiot.”

Luke doesn’t respond, just cocks his head slightly, prompting Michael for _more_. He needs to understand.

“I was terrified,” Michael says, those pleading eyes staring into Luke’s. “I liked you so much and I was terrified, so I messed things up before you could reject me.”

Luke squints in confusion. “Why would I reject you? I liked you too. I…think that was obvious.”

“I know you did,” Michael admits. “But I thought once you really got to know me…you wouldn’t like me anymore. So I just showed you all the bad stuff about me and pushed you away and justified it by telling myself you must not really like me if you couldn’t handle me at my worst.”

Michael’s face is open, honest. It makes so much sense, really, because hadn’t Luke done almost the exact same thing? Luke abruptly starts laughing, first a low chuckle, then a loud giggle as the reality of the situation sinks in. They’re both such idiots.

Michael watches Luke, mystified, but with a smile tugging on his lips. “Why is that funny?”

“It’s just –” Luke giggles again, the confusion on Michael’s face just making the whole thing even more absurdly funny. “Sorry,” he says, trying to compose himself. “It’s just funny that the reason everything got so messed up is that we’re so much alike. I convinced myself that you didn’t like me once you got to know me in person, and then let myself be immature and mopey about it for, like, _years_ , blaming it all on you.”

“It was my fault, though,” Michael says insistently, his amused smile immediately replaced with a serious expression that takes Luke aback with its earnestness. He leans forward and quickly reaches out to cover Luke’s hand with his own, gripping it tightly. “I started it. You didn’t do anything to make me start acting that way except make me like you too much. Okay?” He keeps his eyes on Luke’s, waiting for Luke to give some kind of affirmation, to make sure Luke understands and believes him.

Luke’s trying not to cry. He’s so relieved to hear Michael say this, but there are so many emotions wrapped up in everything that’s gone on between them, and Luke’s body doesn’t seem to know what to do with them other than release them through tears. His eyes well up, but he fights it. He doesn’t want Michael to think he’s upset; doesn’t want Michael to feel any worse about this than he already does.

“Okay. Yeah.” Luke nods and Michael relaxes, finally pulling his hand away from Luke’s and slouching back in the booth.

“I really screwed up, huh?” Michael asks with a chuckle.

“I don’t know,” Luke shrugs. “Maybe we weren’t ready for each other and you just saved us the trouble of hurting each other even more.”

He surprises himself with his own words. Up until the exact moment he opened his mouth to speak, Luke had actually been thinking how sad it was that Michael ruined what could have been a beautiful relationship by cutting it off before it could even begin. But once the words are in the air, Luke realizes he really believes them. Neither of them was ready for a relationship when they first met; they were both too insecure, too desperate for companionship and acceptance.

“You might be right,” Michael says thoughtfully. “I _definitely_ wasn’t ready for you,” he adds, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“What does that mean?”

Michael rolls his eyes. “Look at you! Imagine 18-year-old me being all excited to show my friends this guy I was into and the immediate response always being ‘He’s so hot!’ In my head all I heard was ‘Why would he want anything to do with a troll like you?’” He scoffs, flicks a hand in the air like he’s brushing the thought away. “I don’t think you have to be a psychologist to make a connection between that kind of insecurity and the way I treated you.”

Luke grins, honestly feeling pretty damn amused at this point. They were such a mess. “First of all, you do realize that I was insanely attracted to you and you sound crazy, right?” Michael has the audacity to look surprised, but Luke keeps going. “Secondly, I actually _am_ a psychologist and I still managed to miss the connection.” He bites his lip, because he knows he looks cute like that, and he waits for Michael to notice it. Wants Michael to notice it. “You might recall I thought you didn’t think I had any redeeming qualities beyond my dashing good looks.”

Michael cackles, cheeks dusting pink, whether it’s from laughter or embarrassment or something else entirely, Luke’s not sure. But then Michael quickly stifles his laughter. “You almost got me that day, actually,” he says, suddenly quiet. “When you told me it made you feel really bad about yourself that I said Harry only liked you because he thought you were hot. I realized that you actually cared a lot about what I thought of you and it killed me that I was hurting you. I thought about coming clean that day, but my ego got in the way.”

Luke nods somberly. He’s not going to deny it. “Yeah. I tried not to care what you thought, but I couldn’t help it. It took me a really long time to stop caring, actually.”

“Really?” Michael’s voice is small, almost a whisper. “How long?”

“Um. Last weekend?” Luke admits with a chuckle, thinking of the night on his sofa not so long ago when he last mentally rehashed his and Michael’s history. “Maybe I never did stop caring. I just realized I had to get over it.”

“Just last weekend?” Michael laughs incredulously. “I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse that we were both obsessing over this for way too long.”

“It definitely makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one,” Luke says emphatically. “I was pretty pathetic there for a while. I’ll admit it’s satisfying to know you were probably just as pathetic.” A sly grin spreads across his face.

“Yeah, I deserve that.” Michael sucks on his bottom lip and nods.

Their waiter arrives with their pizza and they’re momentarily distracted. As soon as he leaves, Michael nudges Luke’s foot under the table and catches his eye. “Do you think we’re ready now?” he asks.

Luke’s almost positive he knows what Michael’s asking, but that little sliver of doubt is enough to tempt him to play dumb. That’s part of how they ended up in this mess in the first place, though, isn’t it? So he forces himself to answer the question as honestly as he can. “I don’t know,” he says. “I think _I_ am. And you seem different now, too.”

Luke pokes at his pizza and Michael watches him curiously. “Different…good?” he asks.

“I think so. More direct. More confident.”

“Yeah.” Michael rests his elbow on the table and props his chin in his hand, eyes roaming over Luke’s face like it’s a puzzle he’s trying to solve. “I think I am. I think you are too.” His lips purse in a smile. “You never used to go out with your tits out like this.”

“Hey!” Luke kicks Michael lightly in the shin and does his best to look indignant. “I used to think it would attract the wrong sort of attention. But then I realized even really nice people like a bit of boob and figured I might as well go for it.” He preens a little, striking a couple poses with his shoulders back and his hands pulling his shirt further open, fighting back a giggle the whole time.

Michael watches closely, amused, but there’s also something in his eyes that makes Luke shiver. “A very wise decision, Lu. One I’m extremely grateful for. If I knew how to wink without looking like a loser I would be doing that right now. Just pretend I’m giving you a really sexy wink.”

“I don’t know. Winking is kind of creepy, don’t you think?” He takes a bite of his pizza, determined not to let Michael distract him from delicious hot melty cheese.

Michael rolls his eyes. “Why do you make it so hard to flirt with you?”

Luke looks up at him as he attempts to bite through a stubborn string of cheese. “I’m just not used to this side of you! Back in the day your idea of flirting was sending me shirtless pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal. And maybe complimenting my upper lip dent if you were feeling extra spicy.”

“Oh god,” Michael groans. “You remember that?”

“Of course. I remember every compliment you gave me, especially the really weird ones.”

“I thought I was being _so_ cool, not going for the obvious thing,” Michael says, shaking his head and taking a bite of his own pizza. “What the fuck was I thinking? There were so many things I could’ve complimented you on and I went with _lip dent_.”

“Do you not actually like my lip dent?” Luke pouts, faux-offended.

Michael snorts. “I fucking _adore_ your lip dent, Lu, but let’s not pretend it was the smoothest line I could’ve gone with.”

“Well. I thought it was cute that you said that,” Luke admits with a small smile. He still remembers how warm and fluttery he felt reading Michael’s words.

“A-ha!” Michael exclaims, pleased. “So it worked after all.” He chews his pizza smugly, which Luke didn’t know was possible, but apparently it very much is.

“Worked to make me think you were cute? Yeah. But I already thought that.”

“Aww,” Michael teases, watching with delight as Luke squirms slightly under his gaze. “Don’t worry, Lu. I think you’re cute too.” He bats his eyelashes at Luke.

“See, this!” Luke exclaims, gesturing fervently at Michael. “Where did this come from?”

Michael laughs and throws his hands up. “I don’t know. I’m actually not really like this normally.” Luke looks at him skeptically. “I swear! I think I’m in panic mode or something. I have this small window of opportunity to talk to you and I need to use it wisely. So you get fifty percent feelings and apologies and fifty percent poor attempts at hitting on you.”

“It doesn’t have to be a small window of opportunity…” Luke says slowly, almost a question.

Michael’s head snaps up from where his gaze was focused on his plate. “Right. Well. That’s kind of what I was hoping, but I didn’t want to assume you’d just forgive me and want to hang out with me again after this.”

“Of course I do. I missed you.”

“Even though I was terrible?”

“Even though you were terrible,” Luke confirms. “Trust me. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. You did too good of a job charming me those first couple of months after we met.”

“Damn.” Michael shakes his head in disbelief. “I still can’t believe how stupid I was, ruining that.”

“It’s okay, Mikey. You didn’t ruin it. We’re here now, we’re not idiot freshmen anymore, and we can do it right this time.”

“Just so we’re clear, does that mean I can take you on an actual date?”  
  
“Is this not a date?” Luke jokes.

“This is damage control. But if you want to call it a date so we can make out later I’m good with that.” Michael raises his eyebrows hopefully.

“Maybe an actual date first,” Luke counters. “We’ve waited this long.”

“Tell me about it,” Michael groans.

“Drama queen.” And now Luke’s smiling like a maniac, but so is Michael, so he doesn’t try to stop.

\---

It’s nearly midnight when Luke gets home. He and Michael spent hours at the restaurant, just talking and catching up on all the things they’d missed over the past couple of years. They both have time off for the holiday break, so they made plans to meet up for the Holiday Lights Festival in a few days. Luke truly feels like he’s floating. Or maybe dreaming. Or both? He’d never really stopped hoping that maybe someday he and Michael would see each other again and sort things out, and now that it’s actually happening, it’s surreal. 

He takes Petunia outside and gets ready for bed, trying to calm himself down enough to actually sleep. It doesn’t work, and half an hour later he’s wide awake in bed while Petunia snores softly next to him. Luke grabs his phone and checks the time. It’s late, but Calum’s in LA for the holidays, so he’s a couple hours behind, and Luke figures this is a sort of best friend emergency anyway.

**Luke:** I saw Michael tonight.

The reply comes immediately,

**Calum:** MICHAEL Michael? THE Michael?

**Calum:** Also why are you awake?

**Luke:** Yes, the only Michael we know. And I’m awake because I just got back from seeing him.

**Calum:** WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? Hasn’t it been YEARS since you talked to him?

Luke giggles to himself, amused by Calum’s reaction and pretty pleased with himself for deciding to keep the whole situation to himself until now. It’s more fun to reveal it this way and get Calum riled up.

**Luke:** Yeah, until I ran into him at the coffee shop a few days ago.

**Calum:** You ran into him at the coffee shop? And what? He threw himself on his knees and begged for forgiveness and now you’re fucking him?

**Luke:** Sort of?

**Calum:** I was joking????!!!!?!?!

**Luke:** The first part. He did apologize. We had pizza tonight and talked about everything.

**Calum:** And how do you feel about that?

**Luke:** Really good. I’m going to see him again on Tuesday.

**Calum:** Wow. That’s good, I guess? You better fucking call me tomorrow and explain yourself.

Luke smiles and puts his phone down, tucking himself in close to Petunia’s side and scratching her ears gently until he finally falls asleep.

\---

When Luke wakes up the next morning, he has a text from Michael that came in at 3am.

**Michael:** You’re probably asleep but I really need to talk to you about Hallmark Christmas movies when you wake up.

The feeling of nostalgia the text gives Luke is overwhelming. He may as well be back in his dorm room four years ago, chatting with Michael about nonsense and trying to stifle his giggles to avoid waking Niall up.

**Luke:** What about them?

Luke doesn’t really expect a response right away – it’s still early and apparently Michael was up late, so he’s probably still sleeping. But then, almost immediately:

**Michael:** You’ve seen your fair share, I assume?

**Luke:** Kind of hate that you’re right.

**Michael:** Okay so what do they have against people who live in cities and have jobs?

**Luke:** People who live in cities and have jobs vote liberal.

**Michael:** Is that really all there is to it?

**Luke:** I think so.

**Michael:** So you’re saying Hallmark Christmas movies are just…conservative propaganda?

**Luke:** Absolutely.

**Michael:** And yet you watch them?

**Luke:** Apparently you do too.

**Michael:** Only because I couldn’t sleep last night and nothing else was on TV!

**Luke:** That’s what you think. Now that you’ve started you’ll never be able to stop.

**Michael:** Oh well. At least I’ll be cozy while I’m being brainwashed.

**Luke:** Are you cozy right now?

**Michael:** I’m extremely cozy right now. I’ve got a pile of fuzzy blankets and a space heater blowing directly on me. There’s a bland white woman from a small town making hot chocolate for a bland white man on my television. I might have even lit a candle. Don’t tell anyone.

**Luke:** I won’t. When did you start using capital letters?

**Michael:** I don’t know. When I stopped being an asshole.

**Luke:** Don’t think I didn’t notice that you’re STILL watching Hallmark Christmas movies.

**Michael:** Mind your own business, Lu. :P

\---

“Tell me again why we thought this was a good idea?” Michael’s arms are wrapped tightly around his middle, shoulders hunched up around his ears, teeth chattering.

“Be-because,” Luke shivers, “The lights are pretty from up here.”

“They’re pretty from the ground, too.” Michael’s nose is bright red from the cold, and Luke is utterly charmed by it. They’re on the famous Ferris Wheel at the Holiday Lights Festival, regretting their life choices. They do have a lovely view of the festive displays of holiday lights twinkling below them, but neither of them realized how much colder the already-chilly weather would feel from the top of the Ferris Wheel.

Luke grunts his agreement and pulls his beanie down lower over his ears, then reaches over and does the same with Michael’s hat. Michael gives him a grateful smile. “Thanks. I didn’t want to expose my hands for fear of frostbite.”

“Once they let us off this torture device we should get some coffee or something.” Luke blows on his own hands and rubs them together.

“ _If_ they let us off. I think this thing is moving so slowly we might actually be going backwards.” Michael’s visibly shaking and Luke’s not sure how much of it is real and how much of it is just Michael being dramatic.

“I’m not sure the science checks out on that,” Luke replies, taking a chance and slipping his arm around Michael’s shoulders. Michael leans into him easily and rests his head on Luke’s shoulder.

“Finally, fuck,” Michael mutters under his breath.

“You could’ve asked.”

“I didn’t want to be presumptuous.”

“What if I wanted _you_ to cuddle _me_?” Michael’s hair is tickling his face and Luke appreciates how the sensation distracts him from the cold. He tucks his face on top of Michael’s head.

“There was no way after the hell I put you through that I was going to be the one to make the first move,” Michael grumps. “For all I know you’d have thrown me off the Ferris Wheel.”

“Fair point,” Luke says, voice muffled by Michael’s fuzzy hat. “But now you know I’m not going to kill you.”

“Yeah.” Michael’s voice is softer, content. “You’ll get your turn for cuddles eventually.”

“When?” Luke presses, petulant.

“If I tell you it will ruin my elaborate seduction plans.”

Luke giggles and Michael’s head bounces lightly against his shoulder in matching rhythm. “Tell me,” he insists.

Michael looks up at Luke through his lashes. “If you _must_ know, I had grand plans of taking you back to my place to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie after this. I may or may not have intentionally lowered the heat in my apartment to encourage you to seek warmth from the nearest available source, which would conveniently be me.”

“So what you’re saying is if I play my cards right tonight, I can look forward to freezing my ass off in your apartment while we watch conservative propaganda?”

“Yes, but you’re leaving out the important part. I’ll give you cuddles.” Michael sounds extremely pleased with himself.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Luke feels Michael’s warm breath on his neck and it makes his entire chest heat.

He squeezes Michael lightly. “Okay. What do I need to do to make sure this actually happens?” Luke’s not really sure if it’s a lighthearted joke or an honest question, even as the words leave his mouth.

“You’re missing the point as usual, Lu,” Michael says, voice lightly teasing. “You don’t have to do anything except say yes when I inevitably ask you back to mine.”

“Oh, so it’s inevitable.”  
  
“Well yeah. It kind of always has been,” Michael says quietly.

Luke just nods and wraps his other arm around Michael’s front, squeezing him more tightly into his side as the Ferris Wheel slowly drifts back down to the ground.

\---

It’s easy between them now. Luke almost feels like he stepped into a time machine and went back to the first night he and Michael met in person, with their long walk home in the quiet, cold night. The Holiday Lights Festival is far from quiet, with _Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree_ blasting from a nearby speaker and children screeching with glee, distress, or some combination of the two as they run between the light displays.

But it _is_ cold, and Luke catches himself staring at Michael’s eyelashes as Michael sips from his coffee cup, remembering the snowflakes that melted in them so many winters ago. Luke doesn’t really understand how it’s possible. They’ve both changed. And yet…somehow they’ve changed in perfect harmony with each other. They both learned the choreography separately, but now that they’re back together they can dance in perfect unison.

Michael catches Luke staring and raises an eyebrow. “What?”

Luke blinks and shakes his head clear. “Nothing. I was just thinking how weird it is that this –”

“—isn’t weird?” Of course Michael understands. He always has. Luke nods.

Michael studies the sleeve on his coffee cup, thoughtful. “Yeah. I don’t know, Lu. I think It’s just one of those things. It just works.”

“Unless one or both of us actively try to break it,” Luke says wryly.

Michael looks up from his cup. “Well let’s not break it again, then.” His voice is strong and clear, authoritative. But Michael doesn’t need to worry. Luke’s not going to argue. Michael pushes his chair back and stands up, looking at Luke pointedly. “So what do you say, cutie? Wanna come over and watch a workaholic New York woman fall in love with a single dad from a small town and throw away her entire career and all her ambitions to be a housewife on his cozy farm?”

Luke looks up at Michael and grins. “I thought you’d never ask.”

\---

Michael wasn’t kidding when he said he’d turned the heat down. Luke can barely tell the difference between the temperature outside and the air inside Michael’s apartment. He gasps dramatically as Michael tosses his coat on a chair and flips the lights on. “Goddamn, Mikey, I think I can see my breath in here!”

Michael cackles with delight and tugs Luke toward the living room by the sleeve of his coat. “C’mere and sit down. I’ll get the blankets and space heater.”

Luke obeys, sitting on the sofa in front of the television and watching as Michael bustles around the room, pulling blankets out of a wooden chest and plugging in the space heater. He puts the heater on as high as it will go and sets the blankets next to Luke, then he drops to a knee and starts pulling Luke’s boots off his feet. “What are you _doing_?” Luke asks, stifling a giggle.

Michael grins up at him. “I’m being a doting host. Just like the first time I had you over.” He sets Luke’s boots to the side and then straightens up and grabs the fuzziest blanket off the sofa and shakes it open, letting it fall over Luke’s head. Luke laughs, disoriented by the sudden darkness, and then Michael’s hands are on him, unzipping his coat and tugging it off from behind the sofa. Once Luke’s free of his coat, Michael folds the blanket down to Luke’s shoulders so his head is exposed, then he hops over the back of the sofa and settles in next to Luke, sliding under the blanket with him. “There,” he says, pleased. “Nice and toasty.”

Luke’s still giggling, peppered with an occasional hiccup-y breath. “What about the candle?” he asks sweetly.

Michael pokes him in the side. “I told you not to tell anyone about the candle.”

“But you’re the one who told _me_ ,” Luke argues, and he can feel himself giving Michael flirty eyes, but Michael just levels the same look back at him.

“Alright, Lu. Whatever you want.” He shimmies out from under the blanket and crosses the room to light the candle on top of his bookshelf, then jogs back over to the sofa and dives back under the blanket. “Fuck, it’s cold. I hope you appreciate that candle.”

“You’re the one who made your apartment 30 degrees, Mikey.” His tone is sarcastic, but he’s actually filled to the brim with adoration. He leans over and presses a kiss to Michael’s cheek before he can think better of it. “But thank you.” Michael’s cheeks darken and he smiles to himself, clearly pleased, as he pulls up the Hallmark channel on the TV.

Luke eyes him expectantly as _If I Only Had Christmas_ starts to play. Michael notices him out of the corner of his eye. “What?”

“I believe I was also promised cuddles.” Luke crosses his arms over his chest for emphasis, but it’s a fairly useless gesture since they’re hidden under the thick blanket.

“So you were.” Michael sets the remote down and opens his arms wide. “C’mere.”

Luke grins and lets himself fall into Michael’s arms, using his momentum to push Michael down until his head hits the pillow next to the sofa’s armrest. Michael lets out a surprised _oof_ and Luke follows him down, resting his head on Michael’s chest and tugging Michael’s arms down to wrap around him. Michael’s tense at first, but he relaxes quickly, one hand slipping into Luke’s hair and the other resting gently on his waist.

Luke lets out a contented sigh as the opening credits roll on the television. “Much better.”

“You’re an awfully demanding guest.”

Luke scoffs dramatically, “Do you want me to leave, then?” He makes like he’s going to get up, and Michael tightens his grip on Luke’s waist.

“Don’t you dare,” Michael growls, and Luke giggles, settling back into Michael’s embrace.

They watch the movie attentively, laughing and jeering at the various clichés that pop up as the story progresses. Luke likes hearing Michael’s laugh like this, with his face pressed to his chest where he can feel the deep rumble in his ear. He likes being this close to Michael without the terrifying vulnerability that comes with looking at his face. He likes – no, loves – the feeling of Michael’s hands on him, especially when Michael occasionally lifts his hand from Luke’s waist to lightly graze his fingers up and down Luke’s arm, making goosebumps pop up in their wake.

Luke’s not really sure where the thought comes from, but as he watches the vaguely familiar C-list actress on screen accept a sleigh ride with that guy from that early 2000s WB show, he realizes he has a question for Michael that he _needs_ answered, or his brain will get stuck on an endless loop.

“Mikey?”

“Hmm?” Michael absently cards his fingers through Luke’s hair. It sends pleasant tingles through Luke’s entire body and he never wants it to stop.

“Why were you nice to me? When you and Harry came to stay with us that summer? And you left the gummy bears.”

“I could never be mean to your face, Lu.” Michael’s voice is soft and apologetic, and his fingers stop moving on Luke’s scalp. “That week was weird for me. I was so happy to see you but I felt like I couldn’t… _do_ anything about it, because I already messed things up. I kind of knew the way I was acting was probably fucking with your head. Leaving the gummy bears made me feel, like, two percent better about it.”

“The gummy bears just made it an even bigger headfuck,” Luke grumbles, pushing his head into Michael’s hand to encourage him to keep playing with his hair. Michael obliges immediately.

“Would it make you feel better to know I had a sex dream about you while we were visiting and I’m _pretty sure_ Niall thought my morning wood was for him since he literally slept on top of me.”

Luke gasps, scandalized. “Michael! How could you say such a thing in the presence of a Hallmark film?”

“You call this a _film_?!”

“Of course. I think it’s art. Just like Niall thought your boner was art.”

“You're such an asshole,” Michael says, tickling Luke’s waist in retaliation.

Luke screeches and squirms until Michael relents. “I wasn’t making fun of you, I was making fun of Niall,” he says, breathing a little heavy from the effort of attempting to escape Michael’s tickling. “I don’t know what was going on with him that week. Cal and I were so confused. We’d never even seen him flirt like that before.”

“I tend to have that effect on people. Everywhere I go, people throw themselves at me.”

“I can imagine.”  
  
“Except you.” Luke can’t see Michael’s face, but he can hear the pout in his tone.

“I literally threw myself at you 45 minutes ago,” he points out.

“Huh,” Michael says, sounding delighted as the realization dawns on him. “You really did! I can finally check that off the old bucket list.”

“Please never use the phrase ‘bucket list’ again,” Luke pleads.

“It’s the Hallmark movies. They’re making me basic.”

“And yet you keep watching them.”

“Haven’t you figured out yet that I have no idea how to get you to spend time alone with me other than to lure you to my place to watch television?”

“Haven’t _you_ figured out yet that you don’t need to lure me? I come willingly and I always have. All you have to do is ask.”

“We’re kind of having a moment right now so I’m trying very hard to ignore the amazing joke setup you just gave me,” Michael says, stifling a laugh.

“How noble of you.” Luke’s aiming for disaffected, but the end of his sentence is swallowed in a giggle. Michael tousles his hair and Luke melts under the touch, letting his eyes droop shut.

Michael pokes him in the side. “Wake up, Lu. You’re going to miss the part where she gives up her career to be a stay-at-home stepmom.”

Luke’s eyes fly open. “I’m not sleeping! I just like it when you play with my hair.” As if Luke could ever fall asleep in the middle of this moment. He’s literally been dreaming about it for years, he’s not going to miss a second of it.

When the movie ends, Luke sighs and reluctantly sits up, immediately missing the feeling of Michael’s body heat seeping into his skin. But it’s late, and Petunia is probably desperate to be let outside. “I should go. Petunia.”

Michael nods and pushes himself up next to Luke. “Yeah, okay. Um. Want to get lunch tomorrow?” He seems a little embarrassed to be asking, but he’s smiling hopefully and Luke desperately wants to grab his face and kiss him. He realizes with glee that he _can_ , so he does.

It’s a little messy at first; Luke’s probably a little too forceful when he grabs Michael and Michael grunts in surprise, but then he chuckles and relaxes into the kiss. Their lips come together softly, but as they kiss Luke’s hands grip Michael’s face tightly, and Michael’s hands dip low on Luke’s back, fingers pressing into his skin with intention. There’s an undercurrent of 5 years’ worth of _want_. They pull apart quickly. Luke knows if he doesn’t quit while he’s ahead, he’s never going to want to leave. Michael’s eyes are wide and incredulous. Luke can’t stop staring at his full, oh-so-pink lips. He actually feels himself leaning back toward Michael against his will, so he jumps off of the sofa quickly.

“That was a yes to lunch tomorrow, in case you couldn’t tell,” he says as he gathers his boots and coat and heads toward the door.

\---

Luke never wants the holiday break to end. He has the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and most of the time that means being with Michael. Luke can’t get enough. And apparently, neither can Michael.

“What the fuck, Lu?” Michael’s voice is low and quiet; not exactly the enthusiastic greeting Luke was expecting when he met him in the movie theater lobby.

Luke widens his eyes and shakes his head in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

Michael’s tongue darts out of his mouth, quickly moistening his lips before disappearing behind them. “I’m just.” He takes a breath. “I’m just annoyed that you continue to look like this in public places and I just have to deal with it.”

Luke blushes and tries to keep his smile from getting too big. He’s used to Michael flirting with him at this point but he’s still always affected by it. Apparently, Luke has _finally_ gotten over Michael’s disingenuous comments about Luke’s looks being the only thing anyone could like about him, because he no longer gets an uncomfortable clench in his stomach when Michael compliments his appearance. In fact, he recently realized he actually loves this type of attention because it’s that extra bit of reassurance that he never got from Michael before. Yes, Michael likes him. In all the ways.

The thing is, Luke can relate to Michael’s frustration. Which is why he showed up to tonight’s date with a plan. “If you can deal with it for the next two hours, then maybe we can go back to my place after. So I don’t have to worry about Petunia.” He looks at Michael expectantly. Luke hopes Michael gets the implication, which is _I would very much like for you to spend the night at my apartment, in my bed, preferably after we mess around for a couple hours_.

If the expression on Michael’s face is anything to go by, he definitely gets it. “I think I can do that.” He offers a wicked smile and a hand to Luke. Luke takes his hand and returns the smile, hoping he looks at least half as tempting as Michael.

It’s a really good thing Luke’s seen _Love Actually_ a million times because he couldn’t pay attention to the movie even if he wanted to. He’s leaning into Michael so much they may as well be sharing a seat. One of Michael’s arms is around Luke’s shoulders, his other is gently stroking up and down Luke’s thigh. Luke’s own hands seem to have a mind of their own, edging under the hem of Michael’s shirt and settling on the warm skin of his stomach. He can feel Michael tensing under his touch, and he stifles a giggle when Michael whispers “Troublemaker” in his ear, breath heavy.

As soon as they’re out the doors of the theater, they both burst into uncontrollable laughter, drawing confused looks from other moviegoers as they stagger over to Michael’s car. “Why did we even bother going to the movie?” Michael asks with a giggle as he starts the car and cranks the heat up.

“It was your idea.”

“Because I know you like _Love Actually_. I thought you’d enjoy going to see it.”

“I did enjoy going to see it. Just not because of the seeing it part,” Luke says with a cheeky grin.

Michael gives Luke a long look, and even in the dim light of the parking lot Luke can see the intensity in his eyes. It makes him feel powerful, having Michael look at him like this. “That makes no sense,” Michael says flatly. “And yet it makes perfect sense.”

“I know. Now can we go home?”  
  
“Absolutely we can.”

It’s not like the movies, where they’re tearing each other’s clothes off as they stumble through Luke’s apartment, fierce with want.

Instead it’s awkward giggles, light touches that give way to more demanding ones, and slow, tentative steps toward what they both want. Luke loves the feel of Michael’s skin under his hands. Soft, but with bumps and ridges from moles and blemishes that catch under Luke’s fingernails in the most satisfying way. Michael calls Luke beautiful so many times he loses count. Michael almost seems to be apologizing to Luke, every touch trying to convey something that Michael’s not sure how to put into words.

Luke thinks he understands. It’s not so different from their old joke about thinking back and forth to each other, except now instead of staring at pictures of each other, they’re touching everywhere, Michael’s finger caressing Luke’s lip dent like it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen.

\---

It’s Christmas Eve when Luke admits to himself that he loves Michael. Really, he already knew he did. He had, for a very long time.

But sitting in his living room watching Michael petting and fussing over Petunia in front of the Christmas tree, giggling when Petunia licks his cheek – that’s when Luke thinks _I love him_ , and for the first time in years, doesn’t immediately bury the thought deep in his brain. Instead, he lets it stick. He lets himself consider the idea, and it’s easy. It doesn’t take him by surprise; it doesn’t hit him like a ton of bricks; it just hovers comfortably in his mind. And that’s why it’s so easy for him to say it out loud.

It happens because of a gift. After Petunia wears herself out, Michael goes to the hall and pulls a small package from his coat pocket, which he places gently in Luke’s lap as he sits down next to him. Luke picks up the package and inspects it; a messily wrapped rectangle that feels like a book. “What’s this?”  
  
“Open it.”

Luke rips off the wrapping paper and finds what is, in fact, a book. _“Lukerzade and Mikerowave’s Greatest Hits_ ,” he reads, cracking a smile at the photo on the cover – the one Harry took of he and Michael surprised on the sofa, just before Niall jumped in.

“It’s just some of our old conversations I saved,” Michael mumbles, suddenly shy. “I thought it was kind of neat to see how we met.”

Luke flips through the pages, reading various little tidbits as he goes. “This is so cool, Mikey.”

“Not too cheesy?”

“Not too cheesy,” he says, glancing at Michael briefly before flicking his eyes back to the book. “I actually have a lot of these saved too.”  
  
“Really?” Michael sounds genuinely surprised, and it makes Luke’s chest tighten. How have they come this far and Michael still hasn’t figured out that Luke is completely enamored with him?

“Of course.” He gives Michael a tight smile. “I always wondered if you did stuff like this too. Saving conversations, thinking about me during the day. I was kind of obsessed with you.”

Suddenly Michael pulls Luke into a hug, tucking his head into Luke’s neck and squeezing his arms tightly around Luke’s waist. “Was?” he asks quietly.

Luke grins into Michael’s shoulder. “Am.”

“I love you, Lu.” Michael’s voice is muffled by Luke’s sweatshirt, but there’s no mistaking the words.

Luke squeezes Michael back even harder. “I love you too.”

“You don’t have to say it just because I did,” Michael warns, face still hidden in Luke’s neck.

“I’m not!” Luke protests. “I’ve been thinking it forever. I just wanted you to say it first.”

Michael finally pulls back and looks at Luke, an amused smile on his face. “You’re such a brat,” he says, shaking his head.

“Can you blame me though?” Luke doesn’t want to make it a _thing_ , but there was no way in hell he was going to be the first one to admit he loved Michael. Even though things are different now, and he knows Michael wouldn’t reject him again, he’s still healing. Telling Michael he loves him and not hearing it back would be a little too much for Luke’s heart to handle just yet.

Unsurprisingly, Michael seems to understand all of this with a single look into Luke’s eyes. “I guess I can’t.” He places his hand softly, so softly, on Luke’s cheek. “I’ve been thinking it forever too. Just so you know.”

Luke nods, then leans in to rest his head on Michael’s shoulder. Michael’s arms wrap around him automatically. Here on his sofa, in Michael’s arms, television quietly humming in the background, Luke feels at peace.

\---


End file.
